#im also not getting tired as much as i should and im feeling the paranoia kind of creeping in again at the edges

[silverislander]

idk whats going on or why my anxiety is so bad but i had to keep myself from physically leaving the room during class today and the only reason i didnt was bc there was stuff in front of the door. so.

[bwabys-scenarios]

Fixer Upper

Part 19

Perv!Kurapika x Fem!Reader

part 18

part 20

!!REBLOGS ARE APPRECIATED!!

warnings: nsfw content

taglist: @fabitheraven @tsukilover11 @ashdownunderscorebeloved @lemonslut @homeinmydreams @superweeniehutjrsblog @bugmomwrites @heartsforseo @lixiawinter @altaircc @itszenava @fiightforlovee @mimi-sanisanidiot @monainanuttshell @wow-im-gay @whorermoviestar @lightshowerrr @mama-m1na @nenggie @wicked-binch @jamayah

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“(Name), wake up. We’re leaving.”

(Name) swatted at the hand shaking her, whining as she attempted to pull the comforter that had been yanked from her form back over her. “Noo, five more minutes…”

“We don’t have five minutes, now get up!”

She squeaked when she was yanked out of bed, stumbling to catch herself against the wall. “Huh? I…”

“I already packed your suitcase. We don’t have time to change, now come on.”

(Name) rubbed at her eyes as she felt her shoes being thrusted onto her feet, the girl wincing. “Hey, I can do that myself…”

Kurapika sighed, grabbing her hand and pulling her out of the door. “You’re barely awake, just keep moving and I’ll take us to where we need to go.”

(Name) finally got a good look at her surroundings. They were walking down the hallway outside their hotel room, and from one look outside the nearest window, she could see it was still dark out.

She didn’t question why Kurapika was suddenly in a rush to leave, only squeezing his hand gently. He glanced back just for a moment, quirking an eyebrow in her direction.

“Good morning.”

A smile tugged at the corner of his lips, the blonde turning back as he kept moving. “Good morning.”

——————

“Here.”

Kurapika handed (Name) a small coffee before sitting next to her to sip on his own. She mumbled a thanks before blowing on it.

He pulled out one of her favorite pastries, one Leorio had informed him about only a few minutes before over text.

“Mmm…”

She munched on it as she thought about her plans for the day. “Why-“

“Why did we leave so early? I…”

He thought back to the reason as he chewed on his own pastry.

Kurapika tossed and turned in bed, face twisted in agony as a nightmare plagued his sleep.

In his dream, he watched as someone broke into their hotel room as the sun rose, approaching the bed him and (Name) slept in.

He watched in horror as the figure placed a hand over (Name)’s mouth, pinning her down and pulling out a knife.

Kurapika woke with a start, eyes wide as he scanned the room before they landed on (Name). She was still asleep, breathing rhythmically as she held onto his shirt. He relaxed slightly, but couldn’t shake the unwavering paranoia that told him he needed to get them out if there, and fast.

“I… I had a bad feeling.”

He expected her to sigh and scold him for rushing her like that over just a bad feeling, but she just nodded and took another bite of her pastry. “I see… mmm…”

She glanced up, looking at the bags under his eyes. “You tired, Kurapika? You look like you didn’t get much sleep.”

He sighed, finishing his pastry before downing the rest of his coffee. “I’m fine. We should leave York New as soon as possible though. Considering…”

He handed her his phone, seeing an article on the screen.

“Oh shit, that’s-“

He covered her mouth, nodding.

Their faces were plastered over the screen, thankfully barely recognizable due to the wigs and her makeup.

‘Two assailants murder renowned flesh collector in the middle of a restaurant.’

(Name) blinked. “Assailants? But they were poisoned, we didn’t assault them.”

“We also didn’t murder him.” Kurapika corrected, pulling his phone back to read more. “Thankfully they don’t seem to have any clues as to who we are or what we want.”

Kurapika sighed. “I’ll book us some tickets for as soon as possible. We-“

“Actually…”

Kurapika paused, about to sigh in aggravation, but one look at her face made him go quiet.

“I… I would like to go somewhere first. If that’s okay.”

——————

Kurapika held a bouquet of flowers, following (Name) as she made her way downtown.

“We’re almost there.”

A sullen air had taken over the two, (Name)’s eyes cloudy. She opened the gate of a cemetery, Kurapika closing it behind him as she headed towards the back.

‘That’s where they keep… the newer graves.’

Kurapika watched as (Name) knelt down in front of a grave, not caring that her knees would get dirty. She brushed away the leaves and debris, sighing softly once it was clean.

‘Here lies Ponzu and Pokkle, inseparable even in death.’

“Ponzu and Pokkle?”

Kurapika nearly dropped the bouquet, eyes wide. “When..?”

“Nearly a year ago, when the Chimera Ants attacked. They were on some mission, Ponzu still lacking a hunters license. They asked me to come with them, but I was busy with a job of my own. They…”

She began choking up, Kurapika watching as she swiped away tears. “They were killed on that very mission. Gon and Killua…”

She took in a shaky breath. “Gon and Killua found what was left of Ponzu after. For a while, we hoped Pokkle was still alive. But…”

She shook her head, tears dropping down onto the ground. (Name) gestured for the bouquet, Kurapika quickly kneeling down beside her and setting it in front of their grave.

The bouquet was mostly made up of poppies, with other various flowers and greenery making it full and pretty. Kurapika stayed quiet. Although he had known Ponzu and Pokkle, he hadn’t been nearly as close as (Name) had been to them.

“They were there for me after my… wrist was broken.”

He winced at that. ‘The wrist that I broke…’

“They wanted to stay with me, just to make sure I’d be okay, but I convinced them otherwise. Leorio was staying with me already, I didn’t want anyone else to waste their time on me.”

It hurt to hear her say that, knowing that he was partially to blame for that line of thinking. “… I’m grateful for them. I’m glad… they were there for you.”

He gave her 10 minutes before he tugged on her sleeve. “(Name), we need to go before we miss our train.”

She nodded, placing her hand over his. “A few more minutes, please.”

Kurapika stayed with her as she grieved. He noticed that despite having experienced so much loss in his own life, he was at a loss on how to comfort someone going through the same pain he had.

So he thought back to what he had wanted when he first processed his clans death, at the ripe age of 12 years old.

“…”

Wordlessly, Kurapika leaned forward and wrapped his arm around her in a half hug. She leaned into him, finally letting herself cry into his chest.

“It’s all my fault… I could have been there! I could have saved them!”

Kurapika had heard the same words before, except this time they weren’t coming out of his own mouth. “…”

He didn’t know how to reassure her it wasn’t her fault, maybe because he couldn’t tell himself he wasn’t to blame for his clans murder. Kurapika only held her a little closer, hand running over her hair.

——————

(Name) was quiet on the train ride home, only occasionally trying to converse with her friend. He didn’t mind, Kurapika had only gotten a few hours of sleep before he’d woken up in a hurry.

“You should try to get some sleep, Kurapika. We still have another two hours until we get there.”

(Name) sat right next to him, putting a hand on his knee. The blonde had been tirelessly typing away on his laptop, researching Dracule Midnight to his best ability.

“I’ll sleep when I’m done.”

He’d said it a bit harsher than he meant, sighing when (Name) quickly retracted her hand away. “Oh… okay.”

She stood up and walked to the door, glancing back for a moment. “I’ll go grab us something to eat. What would you like?”

“Anything is fine with me.”

She nodded, then closed the door behind her. Kurapika groaned, leaning back in his seat. The only information he’d been able to find so far was the fact he was a part of the mafia, meaning he’d have to use the official hunter website to do some digging later. He didn’t like pulling his license out in public if he didn’t have to.

Kurapika was still debating on whether he’d be going home with (Name), or getting another ticket out of there. He didn’t really have anywhere to go yet, but he was also nervous about his strange feelings for her.

“Kurapika~”

She bumped the door open with her hip, in a better mood than before. He blinked when she placed a plate of food on the table in front of him.

“Got you a grilled cheese and tomato soup! Oh, and…”

She placed a fruit cup next to it, Kurapika’s eyes softening when he read the label. ‘Peaches.’

(Name) remembered what fruit he’d chosen for his waffle the other day, and had gotten him peaches. He opened the pack, using his fork to pick one up and eat it.

Peaches made Kurapika think of a time when life was simpler. They tasted similar to a fruit native to Lukso Province. As a child, his favorite dish was a baked good using that fruit, and now as an adult, the closest he could get to replicating that was eating peaches themselves.

They ate silently, (Name) occasionally dropping some of her food into his plate for him to try. Even when it was something Kurapika disliked, like strawberries, he ate it anyways.

And how could he not, when she smiled so sweetly when he did?

‘I guess… staying with her until I get more information is okay. After all, she’s involved too…’

But as he thought this, his heart thumped against his chest when she leaned against his shoulder, the girl nodding off.

——————

The two exited the train station, spotting Killua and Leorio waiting for them nearby.

“(Name)!”

“Leorio, Killua!”

She ran towards them, the two laughing as they hugged her. “Did ya have fun in the big city, sunshine?”

“Haha, yeah, as much fun as you can have on a business trip.”

Killua held her tight, nuzzling into her shoulder. “I missed you, (Name). Leorio’s cool, but… he’s not you.”

(Name)’s lip quivered. “Killua…”

She squished his cheeks and planted a kiss on his forehead. “My sweet boy, I’m sorry I was gone so long. We’ll spend some time together today, before I have to leave in the morning.”

Kurapika paused, Leorio taking (Name)’s suitcase from the blonde. “You’re… leaving tomorrow? To where exactly?”

(Name) walked hand in hand with Killua as she explained. “Yes, I have a job in a neighboring country, so I’ll be gone for a few days. I’m so glad we got home early, that means I get a rest day!”

Killua held onto her hand a little tighter as Kurapika’s eyebrows furrowed. “I don’t understand, why did you agree to come on a mission with me, when you would have to leave for another one the same day we got back? What if you got hurt, or were too drained to use your nen?”

She shrugged as Killua glared at the blonde. “Then that’s something I’d have to deal with. You needed help, and I was available. I’m sure you’d do the same thing for me.”

Kurapika winced at that. Would he really do the same for her? He didn’t know.

“So, I do need a favor from you Kurapika.”

The blonde perked up, catching up with her and Killua. “Leorio watched Killua for me this weekend, which I appreciate a lot by the way!”

She yelled out the last part, causing Leorio to blush. “It was nothing, sunshine. He only bit me twice, and to be honest I deserved it the second time.”

Before Kurapika could ask why he deserved it that second time, (Name) continued talking. “But this week he’ll be pretty busy with studying and tests. No offense to you, Killua, but he’s a handful.”

“Only for annoying people.”

She gave him a look, causing the boy to quiet down. “What I’m trying to ask, is if you could keep an eye on him while I’m gone. It’s just three days, I’ll be back Thursday evening. I’ll give you everything you’ll need to watch him, just-“

“Yes, I’ll do it.”

The other three turned to look at him in surprise. “Wow, really? I thought you’d be skipping town after your little mission.” Killua said, staring at him.

Kurapika cleared his throat. “I decided it made more sense to stay here until I get more information on my target.”

“So you’re staying because you have nowhere else to go?”

Kurapika stayed quiet.

“Uh huh, that’s what I thought.”

The car ride home was deafeningly quiet, with the only sound being Killua humming along to a few songs on the radio.

——————

Killua seemed to be attached to (Name) by the hip once they got home, following her around the house as she did some minor cleaning and got dinner started. She was cooking something Leorio requested in return for him watching Killua that weekend.

“He sure is clingy.” Kurapika said as he watched Killua wait for her outside the bathroom. Leorio looked up from his textbook, raising an eyebrow.

“Maybe, but it’s understandable. He was really worried about her, you know?”

Kurapika folded his arms over his chest. “He didn’t need to worry, I was with her.”

Leorio thought for a moment, looking at the blonde. “I think that’s the exact thing he was worried about.”

Kurapika tried not to look hurt at that, considering he knew Killua’s worry wasn’t unfounded, but Leorio must have noticed it anyway.

“Hey, you got her back safe and sound, so it should be f-“

“KURAPIKA I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!”

The two blinked at each other as the sound of Killua rushing downstairs and jumping over the bannister was heard.

“Killua wait!”

(Name) was rushing down after him, attempting to calm the boy down before he reached the others.

“I told you, if she came back hurt I would-“

“But she’s fine, there’s not even a scratch on her!”

Kurapika seemed genuinely confused as the younger boy grabbed the front of his shirt, pulling him off the couch.

“Oh yeah, then tell me what that is then!”

He pointed to (Name), who was now wearing a tanktop. “What? What are you talking ab-“

“Her neck! Don’t lie and say you can’t see that big mark right there!”

Both Leorio and Kurapika looked to where he was pointing, the former giving Kurapika a suspicious look.

It was a hickey, one that Kurapika had given her himself during their mission. “Shit, Kurapika, couldn’t keep your hands to yourself?” Leorio asked, snickering.

“Wait, I can explain! It was-“

“A curling iron.” (Name) finished, face hot with embarrassment. “When we went on our mission, I curled my hair and burnt myself. It wasn’t Kurapika’s fault.”

Killua looked to both of them, narrowing his eyes at the blonde before letting him go. “… hmph.”

Leorio helped Kurapika up, sighing softly at his friend. “Tell me what really happened later.”

(Name) took Killua’s hand. “Come on, Killua. Let’s get dinner finished up, okay?”

——————

Dinner was awkward, Killua on edge after the previous encounter. He didn’t seem to believe either of their words entirely, keeping a close eye on Kurapika throughout dinner.

“This is great, you two really outdid yourselves.” Leorio said, happily eating the hamburger steak he requested. (Name) smiled, ruffling Killua’s hair.

“I know, right? I think we’ve got a little chef on our hands.”

Killua seemed to perk up at her words, sitting a little straighter. It wasn’t often that someone said he could be anything than a killer, and it was almost always (Name) that encouraged his more creative sides.

“Do you need any help packing? I’ve-“

“No sir, you’ve got to get home so you can rest and wake up early for your exams. I packed up the leftovers from tonight for you.”

(Name) pinched Leorio’s cheek before kissing it, the tall man sighing in contentment. “Ahh, you’d make such a good wife, (Name). You know-“

Kurapika cleared his throat, tapping his nails against the table as he stared down his taller friend. “You should get going, Leorio. I don’t want you to sleep in accidentally.”

That familiar, nasty feeling washed over Kurapika as he watched Leorio give (Name) a hug before he left. Killua seemed to notice him staring, quirking an eyebrow in the blondes direction.

“What are you all huffy about, blondie?”

Kurapika turned his gaze to killua, lip twitching slightly in annoyance. “I’m not huffy, just… tired.”

“Speaking of you being tired, why don’t you get some rest?”

(Name) grabbed Kurapika’s empty plate, giving him a smile. “After all, you’ll be watching Killua, so you’ll need plenty of-“

“I’ll be researching tonight. I don’t have time to rest.”

(Name) paused, eyebrows furrowing. “Kurapika… I know you’re trying to do as much research as possible, but you should really take a break. The information will still be there t-“

“Didn’t I say I’ll sleep when I’m done!? God, were you not listening earlier?” He snapped, standing up. “I’m going to my room.”

He shut his door a little harder than usual, the sound of the lock clicking into place making (Name) flinch.

“What the hell is his problem? Oughta go and teach him not to bite the hand that-“

He stopped when he caught sight of (Name)’s face. “(Name)… hey it’s alright, I’m sure he didn’t mean it. And even if he did he’s kind of a jerk anyways, you shouldn’t…”

She shook her head. “Come on, let’s get the kitchen cleaned up.”

Kurapika sunk to the floor, holding a hand to his chest. ‘Why… why did I say that? Why do I feel so… irritated? She didn’t do anything wrong…’

When his thoughts drifted back to (Name) and Leorio, smiling at each other as they said goodbye for the night, he felt his heart start to hurt again.

‘Why does that make me so… so…’

The blonde settled into his desk chair, opening up his laptop. ‘No matter. I need to focus…’

———————

Killua clung to (Name)’s side as they walked into the airport, Kurapika grumbling behind them.

‘Can’t believe the little bastard isn’t carrying anything…’ Kurapika thought, pulling (Name)’s suitcase along.

“It’s only a few days, Killua. I’ll be back before you know it.”

He didn’t seem to care, holding onto her shirt. “… you’ll bring me back some cool stuff, right?”

(Name) laughed, pulling him in for a hug. “Of course.”

Kurapika helped load her suitcase onto the airship, sighing when she turned. He waited near her for his own hug, but only received a pat on the arm. “Bye Kurapika.”

Ouch. Was she upset about him snapping at her yesterday?

The blonde slowly lowered his arm, eyes half lidded as he watched her airport depart. ‘She didn’t wave back…’

Killua waited until the airship was out of sight before he tripped Kurapika.

“Hey, what the-“

The white haired boy continued walking, ignoring Kurapika’s questions. “Why? What was the reason?”

“No reason. You must be clumsy.”

‘He tripped me! I know he did!’

The car ride home was was quiet, with Killua staring out the window.

‘He must miss her already. I should say something, something to cheer him up!’

“She’ll be home soon, you don’t have to worry.”

Killua turned to look at him, completely unimpressed. “Unlike you, I actually care about (Name), so I will worry regardless.”

Ouch.

“And don’t try and be Buddy-Buddy with me. Not after you couldn’t even apologize for snapping at her yesterday.”

Kurapika gripped the steering wheel. “Killua, you-“

Killua put on a post of headphones before Kurapika could finish his sentence. ‘Did he just…’

Kurapika typed away at his laptop, glancing down at the list (Name) wrote for him. ‘I need to go grocery shopping…’

He sighed, leaning back in his desk chair. ‘The only problem with that is…’

He looked at his desk, spotting the framed photo (Name) placed on it before they left on their mission. In it, Killua and Kurapika were playing a game in the arcade they’d visited before they split up.

‘…’

They had a lot of fun that day, everyone together and smiling. Back then, Kurapika thought they’d have many more days just like that.

Now he wondered if a day like that would ever happen again. Killua seemingly hated him, despite his efforts to be as neutral as possible. While he couldn’t be the same Pika that (Name) knew before York New, he was trying to at least be a Kurapika that could be cordial with them all before he had to cut (Name) out of his life again.

But that didn’t seem to be enough in Killua’s eyes. Kurapika hadn’t intended on this happening. He wanted to keep his other friends at least, but it seemed like the more he pushed (Name) away, the more the others retracted as well.

He’d seen how much of a menace Killua could be, and wasn’t particularly looking forward to watching over him.

‘Wait…’

Kurapika stood up, pulling on a hoodie (Name) helped him pick out in York New. ‘This is the perfect chance to try and bond with him, to make things different!’

“Killua, we’re going to the grocery store.”

Kurapika regretted his choice almost immediately.

The first thing Killua did when they entered the grocery store was leave Kurapika’s side, wandering off in a random direction. “Killua, where are you going?”

Killua flipped him the bird in response, leaving the blonde groaning in exasperation. ‘That’s alright, I’ll just get the shopping done.’

He looked over the list, peering down the aisle. ‘Mostly snacks… Jesus how much does this kid eat?’

Kurapika placed the first item into the shopping cart, huffing. ‘Well… I guess I can’t judge. My eating habits aren’t exactly normal either…’

The sound of an alarm going off made him pause in the middle of the aisle. “…”

He continued shopping, deciding to take the (Name) approach and pretend he didn’t know Killua when he saw him run by, being chased by employees.

That was, until Killua ran towards him. “Dad!”

Kurapika yelped when he was tackled by his younger friend, who gave him a wicked grin before his expression changed. “Dad… I didn’t mean to, I promise!”

“Hey, are you this kids mom- er, dad?”

———————

(Name) yawned, pulling along her suitcase into the hotel she’d be staying at. ‘I’ll need to iron out my uniform before I start tonight…’ she thought, opening up her room.

Ring!

Ring!

(Name) pulled her phone out of her pocket, raising an eyebrow when she saw Kurapika’s contact lighting up the screen. It had been literal YEARS since he’d called her, his contact image still being a picture of him she’d taken after they saved Killua. Even though he’d come back into her light, he had yet to call her or text her.

“Hello?”

“(Name), Killua threw a gallon of milk at an employee and now we’re banned from the grocery store. They’re putting my picture up and everything!”

“Why didn’t you just pretend you didn’t know him?”

“That’s the problem! He kept calling me dad, and I… I didn’t know what to do!”

(Name) slapped a hand over her forehead. “Oh my god. Drop him off at Leorio’s, go to the grocery store down the street, then if you have anymore trouble, call Leorio. I’ll be busy with work until I come back.”

(Name) could hear Killua talking in the background. “Put Killua on the phone.”

“Killua, it’s (Name).”

Kurapika handed the boy his phone before turning his attention back to the road.

“(Name), I can explain.”

“Well hurry up, I’ve got to shower.”

Killua took a deep breath. “I was really bored.”

“Killua.”

(Name) plopped down onto her bed, chucking into the phone. “Is that it?”

“… no. I…”

She softened when his voice got quiet. “I was still mad that Kurapika snapped at you. You didn’t do anything and… and he shouldn’t yell at you like that.”

(Name) sighed, pulling off her shirt and setting it on the bed. “Okay, okay. You shouldn’t do that, but I understand your feelings. But be good for Kurapika, okay? If not for him, then for me. I’m going to be busy, so if he has to call me again it’ll interrupt my work.”

“… I’m sorry, (Name).”

She held a hand over her heart. (Name) didn’t enjoy scolding Killua, often letting him off easy. “It’s okay. I have to go, but I’ll call you before you before you go to bed, okay?”

“Okay… bye (Name). Love you.”

“Love you too, Killua.”

He hung up, handing Kurapika’s phone to him. The blonde glanced at him. “Tattletale.” Killua said, folding his arms over his chest.

“I wouldn’t have to tattle if you behaved.”

“Maybe if you put that effort into being nicer to (Name), she’d give you a chance.”

“A chance?!”

Kurapika’s face went red, having to swerve to not veer off of the road from the shock. Killua only snickered.

As Kurapika pulled up to Leorio’s apartment, the tall man walked out, wearing sweatpants and a tanktop.

“Hey, (Name) called. Killua, you should really think about what you do before you throw a milk gallon at someone. You’re just making things harder for (Name).”

‘Okay just ignore the fact that I’m the one that got banned.’ Kurapika though, pouting.

“I know…”

Leorio patted the boy on the back, leading him inside. “Hey, grab some of those white cheddar Cheetos, I-“

“It’s already on the list.”

Leorio sighed, looking into the sky. “(Name) really is an angel, she’s always thinking about us.”

Kurapika gripped the wheel, eyes softening. “Yeah… she is.”

——————

Kurapika pulled back up to Leorio’s apartment an hour later, texting him that he was there. The two walked out, Leorio carrying a backpack.

Killua got into the backseat this time, Leorio climbing into the front.

“Uh… what are you doing?” Kurapika asked as Leorio set his backpack down.

“I thought it was best if I come over to stay while (Name) is gone. I can study there, and if I’m around Killua should mellow out a little.”

Kurapika furrowed his eyebrows. “But (Name) asked me to-“

“She only asked you because she felt bad asking me to watch him two times in a row. I was already going to watch him, but you asking her to go with you meant she needed a babysitter. (Name) dislikes asking for help as it is.”

Kurapika looked to the road as he began driving back to (Name)’s house. “Oh…”

“She didn’t really have many options, and you were staying there anyways. But…”

Leorio glanced at Killua, who was pouting in the backseat. “Killua can be a handful, especially when he feels like his friends are being treated unfairly.”

He gave Kurapika a look, before texting someone on his phone. The blonde sighed as he pulled into (Name)’s driveway.

‘Killua must of told him that I snapped at (Name) earlier.’

It felt like the distance between him and his friends was widening. (Name) was the glue that kept them together, and she wasn’t there to keep the peace.

“Alright, Killua, you know the drill.”

Killua nodded, grabbing the groceries and running inside. Kurapika and Leorio walked in behind him, the latter going straight to the couch. “I’m going to be studying, you can handle dinner, right?”

Kurapika glanced between the frozen chicken nuggets and macaroni. “… yeah, I should be able to handle it.”

Killua finished putting up the groceries, then shrugged on his jacket and boots.

“Where are you going?” Kurapika asked, glancing outside. “It’ll be dark in around an hour.”

“None of your business.”

Kurapika blinked, about to argue, but Leorio spoke up.

“Be back before dark.”

“Aight.”

Killua grabbed his backpack before running out the door, leaving the blonde with a scowl on his face.

——————

Kurapika finished dinner, looking over it proudly.

He’d made macaroni, chicken nuggets, and even steamed some frozen vegetables. “Alright… now to-“

Killua came through the front door, dropping his backpack on the ground before plopping down on the couch next to Leorio.

“No luck today?”

“No…”

Kurapika walked over, wearing (Name)’s apron. “What are you talking about?”

Killua turned, making Kurapika hiss. “Yikes.”

The boy was covered in what looked like cat scratches, Leorio already opening up his briefcase. “He found a stray cat and has been trying to catch it all weekend.”

Killua huffed as Leorio cleaned his wounds. “And don’t tell (Name) about this, not until she gets back. She really likes animals and won’t be able to focus on her job if she knows there’s a cat nearby.”

Kurapika tilted his head. “I see…”

“Also nice apron.”

The blonde blushed, turning on his heels to make everyone’s plates.

Leorio and Killua sat down at the kitchen table, looking at their plates.

“…”

Kurapika sat down with his, glancing between the two. “… is something wrong?”

“… is this Velveeta?”

Kurapika hesitantly nodded. “… yes?”

Killua huffed, taking a bite and chewing. “… and… the nuggets…”

“What’s wrong with them?” Kurapika asked, picking one up and taking a bite. “They taste fine?”

“Uncultured.”

Leorio snickered at Killua’s face as he begrudgingly ate his food. “Aww, Kurapika, why didn’t you get the dinosaur shaped ones?”

“Because Killua is 14 and doesn’t need dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets.”

“And you don’t need to stay here, yet here you are, living here rent free.”

Kurapika scowled, pointing a fork in his direction. “That’s hardly fair, you know (Name) won’t accept any monetary compensation from her friends.”

“Do you really count as a friend though?”

The table went quiet at that, Leorio rubbing his temple. “Will you two knock it off?”

“You’re an unappreciative brat!”

“Oh, that’s rich coming from you, blondie!”

Killua grabbed a fistful of macaroni and threw it at Kurapika. “This is what I think of your stupid Velveeta macaroni and cheese!”

The blonde gasped, easily dodging it. “What the hell is your problem?!”

He threw a chicken nugget right at Killua’s face, making the white haired boy climb over the table to attempt to attack Kurapika.

Leorio stood up, grabbing them both by the collar. “What the-“

“Let me down!”

The two struggled, but couldn’t rip themselves from Leorio’s grasp. “If you two want to act like children, you can sit in timeout.”

He placed them both in their rooms before walking back into the living room to study in silence.

——————

Kurapika sighed, closing his laptop after writing down all the info he could get on Dracule Midnight.

‘Nearly all the information I needed was on the Hunter Website…’

He held a hand over his eye, shivering. ‘If… if (Name) hadn’t stopped me, I would have…’

He shook his head. “… Killua?”

He knocked against the wall twice, waiting a moment for a response.

“What the hell do you want?”

‘Ah, so you can hear people through these walls. Noted…’

“… I’m sorry I didn’t… make dinner correctly?”

Killua sighed, leaning against the wall. “That’s… that’s not what I’m mad about. I mean yeah, (Name) is way better at making dinner than you and you should be ashamed that couldn’t even make macaroni and chicken nuggets right, but…”

Kurapika frowned, holding onto the pen in his hand so tightly it cracked.

“… I know. I’m… I’m going to apologize to her later.”

Killua didn’t even have to say what he was angry about, Kurapika already knew. He’d overheard him in the car.

“… do you promise?”

Kurapika placed his pen down, sighing. “Yes, I promise.”

“Good.”

The sound of the door to Killua’s room opening then closing made Kurapika turn just in time to see Killua open his door. “Then come on, The Real Housewives of York New will be on soon.”

Kurapika was lead from his room to the living room, where Leorio was putting away his textbooks and turning on the TV.

“You two ready to behave?”

Kurapika huffed, crossing his arms as Killua furrowed his eyebrows. “You’re pushing your luck, old man.”

Kurapika snickered at that, going to the kitchen to put up the leftover food. “Okay, so what’s The Real Housewives of York New?”

“Like my family, but stupid and-“

“Stupid assassins?”

“No.”

Leorio stood, stretching lightly. “Does she keep them upstairs?”

“Yeah, in the last drawer on the left.”

‘What are they talking about?’

Kurapika followed Leorio upstairs, stepping over bits of macaroni. ‘I’ll need to clean that up later…’

“Ahh, here they are.”

Leorio pulled out three face masks, grinning up at the blonde. “These will make your face so soft and smooth, just like a girls-“

Kurapika stared down at him, unimpressed.

“Well, I guess you don’t really have to try to achieve that…”

The blonde crossed his arms over his chest. “…”

He noticed they were the same ones (Name) wore when they watched that movie together, eyes softening slightly. “I’ll wear it. Why not?”

They all settled down on couch, Kurapika stuck in the middle. He had his legs crossed, holding a bowl of popcorn as the green face mask he was wearing made his face tingle.

‘Is this what womanhood feels like?’

Leorio shoved his hand into the popcorn bucket, causing popcorn to fly and hit both Killua and Kurapika in the face. “Hey, careful! You got it on my face mask!!”

Killua reached over Kurapika and smacked Leorio upside the head. “Sorry…”

“If I stab you in the chest will those water balloons you got installed in your chest explode?”

“Yeah, maybe faster than your man blowing his load inside me last night!”

Kurapika gasped, face turning red. “Oh my god.”

Killua and Leorio laughed. “Holy shit, Marvin is in for a real beat down.”

Kurapika stared open mouthed at the two, unable to even speak for a good minute. “I… aren’t they sisters? Wouldn’t that man be her brother-in-law?”

“Oh they’ve fucked worse.” Leorio said, waving his hand dismissively.

“That does not make me feel any better.”

“He can’t even pay child support, I don’t want him anyways!”

“Yeah, who do you think paid for these water balloons of mine, broad?”

“He… bought breast implants for her instead of feeding his children?”

“Yeah, total Ging move.”

The three continued watching, Kurapika occasionally clutching his pearls at the vulgar content displayed before him.

“Her wig! She’s bald! She’s bald and she’s torturing people who have hair!”

Kurapika held a hand over his chest, eyes wide. “What a foul woman, who steals their daughters husband then sells their pet on Craigslist for $35?”

“Oh, that’s just Tabitha for you.”

“Classic Gemini.”

“What are these words you’re speaking to me? What the FUCK is a Gemini? None of these words are in the Kurtan Bible.”

“There’s a Kurtan Bible? Bros got the Bible 2.0, twink edition. Do JC and the boys have red eyes?”

“Do NOT call Jesus Christ JC?”

“… would their eyes be red because of the scarlet eyes or weed?”

They all bursted out into laughter, Kurapika leaning over. “Oh my god…”

Leorio glanced at the clock, wiping the tears of laughter from his eyes. “Alright, alright… it’s bedtime.”

Kurapika looked up as well, eyes widening. ‘It’s 12 am already? Where did the time go?’

It felt nice to laugh and joke with his friends again, almost like nothing bad had happened between them.

Like he’d never hurt the women they cared for the most.

Killua rubbed his eyes, standing up. “Hmm… (Name) should have called me already.”

“She’s in a different Timezone, bud. It’s only 7 pm there.”

Killua grumbled, shuffling to his room. As he walked, they heard his phone start to ring, the boy perking up and bolting to his room.

Kurapika snickered. “Hah, mommas boy.”

Killua flipped him the bird before shutting his door.

Leorio picked up his backpack and began walking upstairs. “Goodnight, Kurapika. Don’t forget to lock up.”

Kurapika watched as Leorio passed the guest bedroom, heading straight for (Name)’s room. “… Leorio, what are you doing?”

“… going to bed?”

“In (Name)’s room??”

Leorio huffed. “Yeah. She has heated blankets and the softest pillows known to man.”

“…”

Kurapika sat back down, folding his arms over his chest. “I… I want to sleep in (Name)’s room…”

“You can just come sleep with me you know. I don’t bite, unless you want me t-“

“Hey, guys?”

The two looked up to see Killua standing in the hallway, holding his blanket. “… I…”

“What, miss your mommy-“

Kurapika stopped when he got a good look at Killua’s face. He looked uneasy, reminding the blonde of the night he ran upstairs to (Name) after a nightmare.

“Hey, you alright bud?”

Leorio was quick to come back down the stairs and place a hand on his shoulder. “… why don’t we have a sleepover tonight, huh? We can make a big pallet and watch some movies.”

Killua nodded slowly, holding onto Leorio’s sleeve. “Yeah… yeah that sounds fun.”

“Alright, bud. I’ll go grab some blankets from (Name)’s room. Hey, Kurapika, turn the TV back on and get Netflix set up.”

Kurapika nodded, walking over to the TV and turning it on as Killua plopped down onto the couch.

———————

Kurapika helped Leorio lay out some blankets and pillows, something inside him relaxing when he smelled the familiar scent of (Name)’s perfume. When Killua laid down, Leorio covered him up with a big quilt.

Killua seemed to relax instantly, cuddling into the blanket as his eyes started to drift closed. Leorio laid down next to him, placing a hand on his back. “That better?”

He nodded slowly, pulling the blanket up to his chin. “Yeah, you can run a decent sleepover, old man.”

Leorio snorted, ruffling his hair. “Yeah yeah. Go to sleep, or (Name) will kill me for letting you stay up too long.”

Kurapika laid on the other side of Killua, eyes softening as he watched the boy drift off.

“… (Name) made that quilt.”

Kurapika blinked at Leorio’s words, looking up to see him staring up at the ceiling. “She did? It’s huge.”

“Yeah. She’s always making something, whether it be crocheting, sewing, baking….” Leorio laughed, folding his glasses and placing them on the coffee table. “Ahh… I should sleep too. I have a class at 10 am.”

Kurapika looked at the quilt that covered them all, cuddling into it. ‘I feel so… relaxed when I’m under this. Like… like (Name) is right beside me.’

It didn’t take long for the two to fall asleep, following behind Killua.

————————

(Name) sighed, placing the last bandage on a patient before patting their arm. “You’re good to go.”

The patient gave her a smile before walking away, leaving her alone.

“(Name), excellent work as always.”

A breeze blew past her, (Name) turning to see the window was now open. She sighed, walking over to close it as the man who spoke to her plopped down into her chair.

“You sure do know how to make an entrance, don’t you Chrollo?”

The man laughed, leaning back in her chair. “You sound annoyed. Aren’t you happy to see me? I even came baring gifts~”

(Name) raised an eyebrow as Chrollo set a piece of paper on her desk before standing up and closing the distance between them. “It’s half of the info you asked for. You’ll get the other half when you fulfill your end of the bargain.”

Chrollo smiled at her, grabbing her hand and placing a kiss on the back. “Well, you could get that info now, if you just let me open up those pretty legs and-“

She yanked her hand away, face getting hot. “I told you that our relationship is business only, Chrollo. Geez…”

She stormed over to her desk, looking over the paper.

Dracule Midnight

Nen ability: Hemokinesis

Strength: 4/10

Intelligence: 6/10

Abilities: 5/10

Interests:

Weaknesses:

Threat level:

She glanced up at him, scowling. “Hemokinesis, what is that?”

Chrollo gave her that smile he had when he knew something that she didn’t. “You can work it out, dear. It’ll cost you extra for an explanation.”

She placed the paper in her pocket, folding her arms. “Okay, okay. When will you be needing my services?”

He wrote something down, handing her the paper. “In around a month, at that location and time.”

“A month? But he’s not patient enough to wait that long! I need that information now!”

Chrollo shrugged, opening up the window. “Maybe tell that boyfriend of yours to take chill pill.”

“He’s not my-“

Chrollo was gone before she could correct him, her face hot. She didn’t have time to process anything, the door was already opening. “(Name), we’ve got another patient for you!”

———————

Kurapika woke up early, rubbing his eyes as he looked around the room. ‘(Name)… where did she fall asleep at?’

He sat up, slowly remembering that (Name) wasn’t there, and wouldn’t be back for another day.

Kurapika spent the day going researching in the living room, occasionally glancing at the door or clock and sighing loudly.

Leorio left for classes at 10 am, and after lunch, Killua left to go and try to catch the stray cat again.

This left Kurapika alone for the majority of the day, the blonde bored beyond belief. When he couldn’t look at his laptop anymore, he sighed. ‘That’s enough research for now…’

He closed he s bedroom door, looking around the house. This was the first time he’d been left alone here, the only other time he was alone in the house being the time he came back from fighting a fake Phantom Troupe member.

‘Maybe… I can explore a bit.’

Kurapika explored the first floor of the house, walking into each room and looking around. He made note of potential exits in each one.

There were two rooms downstairs, his, and Killua’s. Kurapika noticed how sparse his room was compared to Killua’s, who’s was decorated with posters and painted his favorite color.

‘Well, my room is a guest room, so…’ He closed Killua’s door, sighing.

‘All that’s left now is upstairs…’

Kurapika climbed the stairs, standing on the second floor feeling… strange. When (Name) wasn’t there, it felt weird to be up there. The only room besides hers was another plain guest room, not even worth exploring.

The blonde walked forward, slowly pushing her door open.

He was always slightly taken aback when he opened her door. It was like stepping into another world, where the air smelled like fruity candles, the walls were pink, and made his body feel weird.

It was very her, every little trinket making him smile softly. ‘Ah, that does suit her.’

Kurapika sat on her bed, which now only had a sheet on it due to Leorio stealing her blankets for their sleepover. He breathed in, visibly relaxing as he breathed in (Name)’s scent.

He leaned back on her bed, staring up at her ceiling. She hung up little shiny stars that dangled and glittered. ‘She must of put a lot of effort into making this space her own…’ he thought, looking at her wall.

He glanced around the room, his eyes stopping on her dresser. Kurapika began to sit up to go and look inside it, but stopped himself. ‘No, you can’t do that. She..: probably keeps her…’

His heart began to thump against his chest, the blonde standing up. ‘Well…’

Kurapika walked over, curling his fingers around the handle of the top drawer. ‘Just… just curious. I’ll look, and I’ll go.’

His breath hitched when he opened the drawer. Neatly folded in rows, were pairs of panties. He bit his cheek, lip poking out a bit as he slowly picked up the first pair he saw.

They were white, with a red strawberry pattern dotting along the surface. He sighed softly, nodding. ‘Yeah, this is something she would wear.’

He continued to stare at the pair before putting it back in its spot. Kurapika was about to leave, before he spotted them.

A simple pair of white, cotton panties.

‘…’

He picked them up, cock throbbing at the memory of his sexual awakening. “… she won’t miss one pair, right?”

———————

Leorio got back from his classes at around 4 pm, collapsing on their pallet from the night before. Kurapika and Killua watched as he wallowed around, sharing a look.

“Are you alright, man?”

“No.”

He looked at his backpack, eyes watering. “I still have homework to do… I’m so tired.”

Killua patted his head. “You wanna order takeout and make fun of The Real Housewives?”

“… yeah.”

They spent the night together again, though this time Kurapika seemed a little..: off. He kept glancing at the front door, a frown on his face. Kurapika sighed heavily, cuddling under (Name)’d quilt further.

Leorio was the first to pass out, exhausted from his classes. Killua scoffed, turning to Kurapika. “What’s up with you?”

Kurapika raised an eyebrow. “Nothing. Why do you ask?”

“Well you’ve been sighing like a maiden who’s husband is off at war.”

Kurapika huffed, turning away from his younger friend. “I’m just tired.”

“Uh huh. It’s totally not because you miss (Name).”

Kurapika sat up, cheeks a light pink. “I do not! And even if I did, that has nothing to do with me sighing…”

Killua sighed, rubbing his temple. “God, I forgot how much of an idiot you are.”

Killua placed a hand on Kurapika’s shoulder. “Kurapika, you like her. A lot.”

He patted Kurapika’s shoulder before laying back down and pulling the blanket up to his chin.

“I- I WHAT?”

“Hey, shut up, Leorio has a class tomorrow!”

Kurapika stared open mouthed at him before standing up and sprinting to his room. ‘No, no I… I can’t like her, it’s…’

He remembered everything leading up to this moment. The fuzzy feelings he had when she was near him, wanting to kiss her, his sexual awakening happening because of her…

“I… I like (Name). Oh my god.”

He sunk down into his bed, holding his pillow to his chest. “I like her. I… want to… I want…”

The blonde felt his face grow hot with thoughts of her, now put into a different perspective. The reason he felt the way he did was because he liked her, romantically. This made Kurapika’s heart thump against his chest, his mind racing.

‘What am I supposed to do about these feelings? They… they make things complicated.’

He glanced back to his desk, seeing the framed picture. He picked it up, chuckling softly at her smiling face. ‘Well… I just need to… try and figure things out. Maybe…’

His mind drifted, thinking of the kiss he shared with (Name) just a few days prior. His pants tightened, a sigh leaving his lips.

‘What a pain…’

But as he dipped his hand below his waistband, he couldn’t help but blush as he thought of her, this time it felt… different. It didn’t feel as wrong to think of her when he touched himself now, almost… right.

“(Name)…”

——————

Kurapika waited near the front door, pacing around the living room. The day had been gone by incredibly slow, the blonde having grown impatient. Now that he had a word to put to his feelings, he wanted to see her again.

He’d already been restless before, but now he knew he liked her, it was agonizing waiting for (Name) to get home.

“Can you stop pacing? You’re giving me major bad vibes. Or maybe that’s just you in general.”

Killua sat at the kitchen table, building a small trap. He’d yet again attempted to catch the stray cat that day, with no luck.

“She was supposed to be home at 5:30 pm, it’s nearly 6 now.” Kurapika said, holding his arms over his chest. His dark blue tabard swayed as he tapped his foot, glancing to the clock, then to the door.

“She probably stopped to pick up something for dinner. (Name) will be home soon, don’t get your panties in a twist. You’ll get to smooch her soon.” Killua said, finishing the trap.

Kurapika’s face turned a bright red. “I plan to do no such thing! I’m just worried about her.”

“Yeah, whatever you say, lover boy.”

Killua stood up suddenly and walked towards the door, opening it and running outside. Kurapika followed him out just in time to see Leorio pull up.

(Name) jumped out of the passenger seat to Leorio’s car, Killua instantly sprinting forward.

“Mom!”

He jumped into (Name)’s arms, the girl spinning around and laughing as he held onto her. “Aww, Killua, did you miss me that much?”

“Mhm…”

She cooed at him, kissing the top of his head before giving him a good squeeze. “I missed you too, baby. Now help Leorio with the bags, okay?”

He nodded, giving her one last squeeze before moving to grab her suitcase and takeout bags.

“(Name).”

(Name) looked up to see Kurapika standing before her, face slightly pink. He was staring at the ground, fiddling with his tabard.

“Um… welcome back, and…”

He looked up, giving her a sheepish smile. “I wanted to… apologize for snapping at you before. I-“

His breath hitched when she pulled him in for a hug, arms hovering around her. “Oh, Kurapika… apology accepted!”

Killua snickered at his flustered expression as he passed by, causing the blonde to pout. But Kurapika couldn’t feel upset for long, not when (Name) was holding him, giggling into his shoulder. “How was work?” Kurapika asked, pulling away. She shrugged.

“Meh, alright. Did my job, got paid.”

She shouldered her backpack. “Come on, let’s go eat dinner. After that, I have a surprise for everyone!”

As they sat down at the dinner table, (Name) handed out a few things.

“Ooo!” Killua said, holding up a tshirt with the name of the city on it. “It’s hideous!”

“Haha, I knew you’d like it.”

Kurapika blinked. ‘But he called it hideous..?’

“And this is for you, Leorio!”

Leorio pulled (Name) into his arms, kissing the top of her head. “Thanks, doll face. Needed a new coffee mug.”

She giggled, handing him the coffee mug before wiggling away. Kurapika watched this interaction, biting his cheek to prevent himself from reacting.

‘He’s too touchy. I hate it. Makes me…’

Kurapika blinked when (Name) sat next to him, handing the blonde a small box. “Here you go, Kurapika.”

“For me? You got me a gift too?”

She nodded, giving him that pretty smile of hers that made his heart race. “Of course, why wouldn’t I?”

He looked down at the black box in his hand, glancing back up at her. “Go ahead, open it.”

Inside the box were several silver charms, Kurapika’s eyes widening. “These are…”

“Charms for your chains!”

She pulled one out, holding it in her palm. “Each one represents one of us! Killua is this cat…”

Killua perked up, looking at the charm with his catlike eyes. “Leorio is the stethoscope…”

Leorio peeked over Kurapika’s shoulder to look, smiling. “The leaf is Gon, and I’m this flower!”

She held up what looked like a little dandelion charm, giggling. “It fits you, (Name).” Kurapika said, opening up his palm. She placed the charm in his hand before pulling out the last one.

“And this one…”

She pulled out a charm that looked like a realistic heart, placing it in his hand. “This one represents you. A heart.”

Kurapika stared down at the small charm, confused. “Why did you choose a heart for me?”

She smiled, poking his chest. “Because you have a big, kind heart, and when I think of you, it’s the first thing that comes to mind. You care a lot for the people you love.”

Things quieted down, Kurapika closing his hand around the charms as he began to choke up. “(Name)… I…”

She placed both of her hands around his, smiling. “Come on, conjurer your chains. I wanna see how they look!”

He nodded slowly, summoning his chains on his hand. (Name) squealed, taking his hand gently and beginning to clip the charms into place.

“There we go! Ahh, look Kurapika!”

He held up his hand, twisting it around as the charms jingled softly. “They’re… they’re beautiful.”

She grinned, intertwining her fingers with his. “Now, even if you’re gone, you’ll have something to remember us all by! We’ll be with you, even if you think you’re all alone.”

He couldn’t help but tear up, lip beginning to quiver as he stared at the little charms. Kurapika’s heart swelled, and before he knew it he had pulled (Name) into his arms and buried his face into her shoulder.

“K-Kurapika, are you alright?”

He nodded, staying quiet as she gently rubbed his back. “There, there…”

Killua watched the scene, leaning back in his chair with a smile. ‘Maybe… maybe (Name) was right. Maybe he’ll be better.’ he thought, relaxing as he munched on his dinner.

Leorio’s eyebrows furrowed, holding onto his coffee mug tightly. ‘I really hope he’s changed. She loves him, and even if he doesn’t feel the same, she wants him in her life.’

Kurapika, however, wasn’t thinking about if he was ready to change or if he deserved (Name), he could only think of how nice it was to be held and cared for by her.

And how addicting her touch could be.

‘I… I want to…’

He pulled away, wiping his tears and continuing to eat dinner with the others.

‘I want to make her mine.’

————————

After dinner, (Name) met Kurapika in his room. Now that he knew he liked her, having her sit on his bed felt different, more… intimate.

“So, while I was out I got some information on our target!”

(Name) pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to the blonde, who looked over it before laughing. “You got his nen ability? (Name), that’s amazing!”

She blushed from his praise, twiddling her thumbs. “Oh, it was nothing. Just turning in a favor with a colleague.”

“Well you should give me your colleagues information. How did they even get this kind of info? Dracule’s nen ability is a well guarded secret, even amongst the Hunter Association.”

(Name) looked away, laughing. “Sorry, Kurapika, but my colleague is very picky with who he works with. Shit he only works with me because my nen ability is useful to him and I saved one of his… associates.”

She’d nearly said Troupe members, sighing softly at her quick save. “I see…”

Kurapika could tell she was hiding something, but was too elated with the new information to care. “This will make confronting him a lot easier.”

“Speaking of that…”

(Name) leaned onto his bed, turning her head to look at him. “Have you found out any other details that will help nab him?”

Kurapika nodded, grabbing his laptop and opening it. “Yes, and considering it pertains to you, I’ll tell you.”

“Pertains to me? What do you mean?”

The blonde blushed, scratching the back of his head. “Well, that’s the thing…”

He turned his laptop towards her, showing a picture of Dracule Midnight spotted walking into a club with a woman. Dracule was a tall, thin man with long black hair and a handsome face.

“How does this pertain to me?”

Kurapika bit his lip, clicking on the next picture.

“Oh.”

She could make out the woman much better now, and realized just why Kurapika had said what he did.

The woman had a nearly identical body type to (Name), and Dracule had a hand on her thigh, smiling to show off his sharp, pearly white teeth.

“He… seems to have a type.”

Kurapika clicked through several more pictures, showing Dracule with dozens of other women with a similar body type to (Name). “He has a wife and children, but has been spotted entering this club with several different women.”

Kurapika crinkled his nose at that statement, clicking off of the pictures. “Its disgusting, really. I can’t imagine making a family, only to go off with some random women every night. Why marry if…”

He clenched his fist, taking a deep breath. “That’s off topic. Anyways…”

(Name) smiled, leaning her head against his thigh. “Anything else?”

Kurapika repositioned his laptop so it hid the fact that he was now hard, just from her being so close to his crotch. “Well, there’s a favor I need from you.”

“And that is?”

She tilted her head, her cheek squishing against his thigh. ‘Cute…’ he thought, eyes softening.

“I… it pains me to ask you for help again, but could you… accompany me again? If you could… seduce him long enough to get his guard down, we could have a real chance of beating him.”

(Name) snorted. “Me? Seduce him? I get that he has a type, but I-“

“(Name).”

He pinched her cheek, the girl yelping in surprise. “You should have no trouble with it. You’re…”

He paused, looking down at her. (Name) had this sleepy look in her eyes that made her look even cuter than usual, her soft cheek still pinched between his finger.

She was lying on her tummy, her nice ass on display. Kurapika took a moment to compose himself before speaking. “You’re capable enough. With the right dress it should be easy.”

He let her go, clearing his throat. “My intel said he’ll be going back to the club next Sunday, which means we have some time to plan.”

(Name) nodded, rolling onto her back before sitting up. “Alright. If that’s all, I’ll be heading to bed. Goodnight Pika-“

She immediately covered her mouth, eyes gone wide with fear and panic. ‘No, no! You idiot, everything’s been going great and you just ruined it! He hates that nickname, now he’s going to hate you even m-“

(Name) turned, tears beginning to bead in her eyes. “Kurapika, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean t-“

He was blushing, eyes that familiar shade of red that only she got to see. Kurapika shook his head rapidly. “No, no… it’s nice. I’ve missed it.”

(Name) stayed still for a moment longer, seeming hesitant. “… are you sure? You’re… not angry with me?”

Kurapika felt his heart twist painfully at the underlying fear in her voice, the slight tremble to her words. “No… I’m not angry. It’s okay.”

She nodded slowly, glancing to the door and back to him. “Oh… okay. I’m going to bed now, goodnight… Pika.”

She scurried away, closing his door behind him.

Kurapika waited until she was out of sight to lean into his pillow, giggling into it. ‘Pika… she’s calling me Pika again. God, why does that make me so happy? (Name)…’

He stared with his eyes half lidded at the door, slowly slipping his hand into his pants. ‘(Name)… I want to hear her call me Pika more…’

Kurapika, now experiencing his first crush, imagined (Name) sitting in his lap.

“Pika… I missed you so much. Please…”

She whimpered, pulling her panties to the side. “I want you, Pika. I need my Pika inside me, need my Pika to knock me up.”

Kurapika pinned her down, cock prodding at her folds. “God, (Name)… you’re mine, all mine, okay? My love, I’ll give you whatever you need. Anything.”

She cupped his cheek, cooing softly. “My Pika…”

Kurapika gasped as he came, holding a hand over his mouth as he moaned out (Name)’s name. “(Name), fuck…”

He cleaned up his cum, sighing softly as he pulled his pillow closer. ‘Mmm…’

Kurapika scowled, remembering how possessive he felt of her in his mind. He wanted her to be his, only his, and that… made him nervous.

He wanted (Name) to live a normal, happy life. Could he give that to her, when the path he was on would only lead to bloodshed and death?

Selfishly, he decided to not think of that now. His mind was clouded with thoughts of a life with her, the lines between rationality and his need to be near her blurring.

Kurapika fell asleep, imagining (Name) curled up in his arms next to him.

[boxheadpaint]

juice induced hill depression. Back on meds again and hopefully going to get in touch with a new psych who can prescribe me something else. Have been very tired and unjoyful the past week but better now and playing modded Skyrim, initially just to make my oc in it but then just kept slamming more thangs in there. Mod that puts bunny rabbits everywhere. Also is there a mod that adds cute animal ears/suits as wearables or one that even makes the girl armor less sucks. Like im either fully leaning into the immersion breaking for self indulgence sake or im getting rid of the annoying shit.

visiting mom in Vegas earlier this month was nice except for the part where I hate Vegas. I know im not great with travel and settling into places can be a tough one for my brain but also my god it’s just evil there. Brilliantly so but still evil. I would have loved to enjoy the scenery surrounding the place more as deserts are just very beautiful and fascinating places but at no point during the day was the temperature less than a full hundred degrees Fahrenheit. It barely dropped during the night either. Between that and varying physical ailments (Oof Ouch My Digestive Sensitivities Lol) (Oof Ouch My Tendons Lol) (Oof Ouch The Agony Caused By Using Stairs Lol) it was the perfect conditions to be a miserable pile when I wanted to be with my family. As sad I was to part ways again I was not sorry to leave that place. Gained a new appreciation for changing up what I eat randomly to keep my body on its toes. At one point mom brought us to a pub and her husband asked for Diet Pepsi while I asked for regular Pepsi. Visually there’s no difference so we got handed the others pepsi and swapped. And then later after he refilled his Diet Pepsi another waiter came up and wordlessly refilled mine as well. With Diet Pepsi. Wasn’t even asked. Fucking stunned. Also went to a near dead mall that was nice anyway

stuck on brain zaps as a symptom of Specifically antidepressants withdrawal. There’s some things describing them as “mini seizures” in function. To me it’s like the body noticing the usual isn’t happening for some reason so it tries to jumpstart the brain into working good like before. universities I can go to with my theories. Back in and at it this week, hopefully to remain consistent for longer than before which will also likely help with the depression and anxiety. More people should just put stuff in their blood if they can

it can be embarrassing to express your misery more clearly to someone, specifying the fact fact thoughts running through your head. But then again it’s only embarrassing because your mind convinced you so, and will convince you that holding it in is also cruel and selfish. Finding it funny that animals probably don’t have as complex spirals and bouts of depression because they dont have a language to articulate to themselves in their own heads that something is awful in a very specific and contradicting way. Or actually no because there is still pattern recognition but that’s more a paranoia learned thing. Is there an animal that can randomly, for seemingly no reason evident to anyone including itself, experience crushing dread and self doubt. Is there an animal that feels shame besides man

had a tilt table test that was embarrassing too but for much more clear concrete reasons. Somehow didn’t know about that second part, and did complain through most of the first part because Oof Ouch Everything Hurts Lol. REALLY did not know the iv thing and had to once again sadly state that no, It has to go in the hand . I will say the experience was funny in the second part from the other ways because my first reaction was literally just “Uh Oh.” The moment I realized it was going to get worse. all I know is my blood pressure stayed consistent throughout, I don’t know what else im gonna hear about it. Hopefully something helpful.

is setting up an ABLE account difficult? Can anybody do it? It’s an issue dealt with by a lot of people but I should at least try to find a way to save money from benefits for the future or in case some stupid medical shit happens that the health won’t cover. I just looked up and saw Vinny sleeping while propping lubics head up with his foot. Hoping I can enjoy things normally again shortly,

8/26/2024, Still better than july

[rin-and-jade]

hii !!! I'm the temp caretaker of our system (unsure of role yet) and we're having some difficulties trying to manage things because host has still not fully accepted that we're a system and stuff. so he often fronts, and when we see him tired, we offer to front in his place. he either declines and sacrifices his rest or leaves in a very short period of time and comes back. he says he doesn't trust us or what we could do while he's away because he's paranoid our cover would be blown. how can we convince him? we have school coming up and we need to get our inner bearings together before we go there. thank you in advance! ^_^

tkdr;; host doesn't trust us to front and takes the most time in front, resulting him to be tired. how to convince him to take a break and let *us* front?

Alright, as a part who also struggles with paranoia and have been actively fighting to strive some progress,, i can define it in one analogy to better understand the situation, and i'll add some extra things to say after it:

A person is tasked to do a trust fall with someone, that person is you (host). You're looking 180 degrees away, and then something had struck your mind that goes, "I think this guy will let me fall over on the floor on purpose if i don't keep an eye on it" so you halted the task and tried looking face to face. Thought it could make you feel better, and as it was about to be performed,, another one came "No wait even if im looking at the dude, it can just not catch me, or trick me into doing the trust fall and quickly retract the arms-- bro wants to make me fall and get hurt" and it'll literally just be never-ending.. wether you got assured, or not assured, and the weird thing is that you are in a room with an observer and the said person who is tasked to catch you so why are you worked up about it...? I'll explain why

I'm not here to explain how paranoia manifests as or comes from because its not 'bout the topic, so,, fast forward to how it's damaging and creating an endless loop that can be broken by ONE move. One move thats right,, it is true that people have a healthy amount of skepticism to keep them safe but when we're talking about paranoia.. it means endless doubts and suspicions. When we talk about too much of the good stuffs it literally translates to bad,, this is something we all should know before taking a step.

It doesn't matter how you get an answer to relieve the doubt, its like a kid that kept asking why after why in every answer and you just had to break out of it right?? You can, by rationalizing the situation. Because i can say, paranoia (atleast for me) is the one being irrational-- it detects green flags as red flags, it also misses a lot of details and creates false alarms that is then flagged as threat. Paranoia can be stopped (or atleast slowed down) by rationalizing the situation,, back to the trust fall example, "this person won't dare to hurt me because someone is keeping an eye on us" or putting yourself in their shoes, "I have no reasons to hurt the person who will do the trust fall, so i wouldn't even plan such thing at the first place and do what's right". Thats how.

I'm also adding that by shooing the kid (paranoia) once will not instantly fix it, this kid will come back anytime something catches it's eye (things that has the chance to let doubt in) and you have to actively tackle with it on a daily basis like me. Surely, the brain will un-learn that and adapt from "everyone out here will ruin my life" to "i guess no one even has time to ruin my life when they're busy with their own" (or in this case, systems are correlated with cooperation, it is very unlikely to betray, or do something bad, as the whole body is shared, more like prefer to grow together and bond)

It's best to take it easy (building trust and addressing the fear) as well as proving that you (caregiver and others) is responsible enough to be left at front because concrete proof beats paranoia better than other things, imo.

So i hope this is enough, i went overboard on accident (word-count wise) and this might help the situation,, goodluck guys.

- j

[bandtrees]

hello o//

i heard you had a fursona and i was curious to know about them if you’re willing to share :]

(/nf of course)

oh of course!!! :]] here he is!

i <3 robot furries so he's a robot dog! i based him most obviously off of transformers (specifically idw tailgate and ironfist) (named kibble both cuz dog and cuz that's the term in transformers fandom for extraneous robot-parts that don't serve much purpose on a 'human' body ie wheels etc) but i also wanted to, in 2024 redesigning him for this ref sheet, make him a bit easier to follow as an anthro dog design and able to be worked into furry stuff, while still being visibly mechanical ^_^

in the ways of lore i really don't have much for him - honestly he's just a standin for myself - but i have the concept that he was made to be a sort of living computer. genius database, future of technology, etc... but his storage capacity's small and his scope of interests even smaller, so he doesn't really have much actually technically helpful knowledge... he does, however, have encyclopedic levels of knowledge about nonsense things like tvtropes and trivia for whatever show he's into now.

(^really this is just a way (FOR ME PERSONALLY i should say as i know 'autistic robot' is a bad stereotype for a reason) to express autism as that's what it feels like for me a lot of the time. having a lot of passion and drive to learn but only in the few things your brain's latched onto - and of course the social hurdles that will come with being a robot in 'human'(furry?) society)

he's very inexpressive - doesn't have pupils, doesn't blink, has no mouth (the robotic muzzle isn't a mask, it's just what his face looks like), and i imagine he speaks mechanically too (i waffle between making him mute, giving him a text-to-speech type thing, or limiting his communication to pulling up webpages haha)

he's also one of those fursonas that has a few different designs and such depending on the 'verse, i've drawn him in the context of transformers designs for selfshipping a few times (specifically w/ mtmte first aid, and moreso idw/es tarantulas) and i should do that again :] depending on the situation his design falls in many different places along the furry-mech scale lolol

to get real: i've been a furry and had fursonas since. like. im gonna say as far as 2008, since i was very small :]c but kibble's the first one in a long time i feel actually suits me in both a "feels like me" sense and a "fun character to draw with some degree of fun fantasy" - cuz for a long stretch of time, when i stopped being into sparklecats and the like as a teenager, i fell hard into the "truesona" type of furry designs...

...which, nothing wrong with those, but as someone with crummy self esteem, just kind of led to me hyperfocusing on myself as a kind of "boring slob" type of character. not interesting enough to be anything but a plainly colored realistic animal, and too self-conscious about my appearance to feel too comfortable straying from "fat, depressed, tired and messy slob", as to portray myself as anything but that felt dishonest.

until one day, and this was at the height of my transformers hyperfixation so i'd grown attached to very inhuman robot-y designs, i just kind of realized, "hey, if i wanted, i could make my sona anything i want, right? i like robots and my friends compare me to dogs, i could make a robot dog! i could have fun designing a mech anthro dog!" and. i did lol. and it's the happiest i've been with a fursona, both from a design standpoint and a 'me' standpoint :]]

thank you for the ask! sorry for suddenly getting so real, i don't think you expected me to, kibble as an oc just means a lot to me :'D

(i also have other, non-sona, furry ocs if you ever wanna hear about furry boy band drama lol. i only recently reopened asks again so i'm trying to get more comfortable with em despite my constant Inbox Paranoia. ty again!!)

[amurder-ofcrows]

I recently got diagnoses with schizoaffective disorder. Do you have any tips?

i have a few!

know your patterns. while psychotic episodes can come on randomly, there are often patterns you notice that tend to be triggers. for me, it get worse when i’m not sleeping well and when the seasons change and it gets darker earlier. i also notice my hypomania is acting up when i don’t sleep as much as well. this will take some getting used to, but if you can spot the patterns you can know when to be more careful and potentially get more help when you need it

on the topic of sleep, sleep disturbances are REALLY common in people with schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder. there have been studies that show that up to 80% of us have some form of regular sleep disturbances. and studies ALSO show that lack of sleep worsens psychosis (which is why even people not on the schizophrenia spectrum or don’t have a psychotic disorder can start hallucinating when sleep deprived). keeping a regular sleep schedule is one of my biggest tips. and know your own body for this. i need about 9 hours every night, but i know people who need more and people who need less. the whole “8 hours a night” is an average or a baseline to start out with. find your rhythm and adjust accordingly

mood trackers!! i have a mood tracker on my phone made for people with bipolar (since i have the bipolar type of schizoaffective disorder) and some days i’m like wow why do i feel so bad today and then i look at my app and im like oh i’m just in the usual downturn of my mood cycle, i should be kind to myself so i don’t prolong it. it also helps me prepare for mood shifts that are coming up just based on my past rhythm so i know when i should be doing certain self care treatments, such as doing grounding meditations to help my hypomania or making sure i get out of my bed when im depressed

antipsychotics are finicky. i’ve been on 8 different meds and even more combinations of those meds before i found what works for me. it will probably take some time for you to find what works for you

also antipsychotics tend to have noticeable side affects. some make you incredibly tired, some cause restlessness, most cause some kind of weight gain, and so on. i don’t say this to scare you because even with the side affects, i have had so much relief from my symptoms once i was on the right combination. i just want you to be prepared because some symptoms can be a deal breaker for staying on meds. i was on one that made me so restless that even though i was getting relief from my psychosis, especially my paranoia and delusions, i had to change the medication because i didn’t feel comfortable in my body. the medicine i’m on now has certain side affects that i know other people would find as a deal breaker, but it works for me. it’s all about balance

as for mood stabilizers and antidepressants, i found those easier to adjust to and i didn’t have as many side affects. though i know people who had an easier time in the reverse of this. i personally am on a mood stabilizer and an SSRI for my moods, and one of my antipsychotics is also classified as a mood stabilizer. a lot of antipsychotics are also used at a lower dose as mood stabilizers, but not all mood stabilizers are antipsychotics and not all antipsychotics are mood stabilizers. they just happen to overlap in some cases and it’s good to be aware of that for getting the proper dosages for what you want to treat

block triggers. i’m serious. i didn’t do this for a while because i was like i’m tough enough i can handle this but honestly? it wasn’t worth it. tags like “unreality” or other specific media that triggers you should be on your blocked tag list. you don’t need to prove yourself to anyone. keep yourself safe!

find outlets that stimulate you and help you focus. i find that once i’m immersed in something, i don’t notice my surroundings as much. i like drawing while listening to podcasts because it doesn’t allow my brain to spiral because i’m focused on something else. you may prefer to read, or write, or have a comfort show, or exercise, or WHATEVER. just finding an outlet that lets you let go for a bit really helps break up days when symptoms are worse

allow yourself to cope in the way you need to. i feel like some people don’t like when people act “weird” to calm themselves down. like i can’t just turn off my paranoia and just telling myself everything is fine just isn’t enough. i will have my parents walk through the entire house with me to check for intruders. i close my blinds in the middle of the day. i put stickers on what i think are cameras. i’ve worked on lessening these actions through therapy, but when i’m in the moment, it’s more important for me to calm down than it is for me to act “normal”. also stim toys are great for when i’m really paranoid while trying to fall asleep because i don’t need to turn a light on to use them, i can just focus on the feeling in my hand and allow myself to get sleepier

i hope these help! and if you have more questions, my ask is open and i also respond to direct messages if you want a more in depth conversation. good luck with your new diagnosis, i hope this helps in some way!

[kaleidosouls]

hi. (pulls out uke)

IM JOKING but i havent posted here in forever huh, are ppl still around? i guess ill comment on like, whats been going in in the time i havent posted

so a long time ago now i wanted to like, cut off from twitter, so i deleted the kaleidosouls twitter, and wanted to keep my art stuff just on insta mostly, trying to move since twitter is a sinking ship right. then my instagram got deleted for no reason (and so did my pinterest that was ful of refs and honestly that was more upseting than insta getting deletedand losing all my art following)

ive been mildly caught up in IRL/college stuff in the meantime,having da depression, and the exec dysfunction same as awlays like. not much has actually been happening but ive been going acutally all over the place trying to figure out what im gonna do with my internet social media stuff. im looking into internships (other field) and im like, i havent given up being an artist professionally exactly but i think im like fuck it. fuck this like, building my Internet career or whatever. like, im gona wokr on my art portfolio and try to find art job stuf thats not really about how popular my art is on twitter or smth. none of that shit rly matters anymoer. same w here, i probably wouldve delted this tumblr if it wasnt the main like, blog so all my other blogs dpened on this one right.

im not like, done posting art online but ive been changing how im going about it and i still havent found my like, place yet. i did remake instagram, a main one and one for creature/pokemon stuff. idk im figuring out my life but i guess the main point is that its all a mess, and its not a disaster like things are going bad or anythin just that ive been in this inertia of disorder for a long time. im getting old. really tired lately, barely draw that much

i still rly love and am holding onto my personal ideas/projects that i want to execute oveer time altho they cant be a priority rn becuase of stuff in life. i got a really bad attention span so ill probably like, work on smth a lot for a few ays and then pick it up again in a year or more. the SU stuff is one of those. i actually ammaking this post bc i got really fucking dickhead comments and i was thinking of going off but my social media paranoia PR brain is like weighting on how i cant do that bc itll make my brand look bad and immature, and its like exhausting to live like that yk. altho it Is wise to restrain myself from being mean dsgkj but i also think itd be funny to cuss ppl off so :( life is very hard as an adult!

anyway point is. thigns are a mess rn and they will continue to be for the time being. my accoutns got obliterated so if you wanna keep up with me maybe follow my instagram if you want, i keep forgetting tumblr exists so tahst why i post so little on here. i do like postingt here though, nad i like making little blogs. i like ppls tags on ym art and replies. even the pricky ones like, i get to engage my brain a litlte bit adn its like ppl are out there yk? seieng my stuff, rather than just like, a bunch of numbers of how many likes or reblogs smth has.

most of the stuff left on this blog is for SU reclaimed and i still rly like the idea and its good coping for me and i want to pick it up sometimes but idk what to do with it wrt how i wanna present the content. ive considerd many times making a separate tumblr for it and i am considering that Again but maybe i should just quit it and post it here and forget about that. and find a different way to present the totality of the contents of the AU and use this tumblr as a way to just post it like, a 'devblog' (i am not developing SHIT this is just conceptual design writing stuff)

if theres anyone still following thats like engaged/interested in SU reclaimed feel free to comment with your thoughts or suggestions,i guess i could make an instagram for it? but ehh... idt thats how i wanna like, execute it. welp. i guess if i do make smth ill post about it here,i guess the point is that maybe i can try to post on here moreoften, idk, like i want my instagrams to be more tidy and like, impersonal. i deleted twitter bc i dont want to engage that personalyl at ALL anymore as an artist w viewers. not to mention it sinking. but i guess tumblr Is the perfect place to keep that unprofessional, slightly casual blogging artist experience. maybe if i get to cuss ppl out :D but then i dont wanna get harassed later over it. hm.. sucks to exist online tbh

thank u if youve read this far. if youre a mutual (somehow) or a long time follower and wanna know how to better keep up w me since i know im disappearing a lot feel free to dm

[harakiri666]

Sat,August,26,2023

Today has been one of those days. I been sleeping all day. I've made new music which I'm ready to play. I decided to bring my band paranoia back together instead of doing the solo thing. I'm really excited on that. I practiced a song that I wrote by myself and I have mastered it. I'm really tired and drained because I haven't been getting much sleep. I've been also dealing with my boyfriend's negativity. And of course he's out and about drinking because that's what he does. He always does that. By the way he drinks a lot. But yeah he's the main reason why I feel so drained lately to be honest. This relationship has tooken such a toll on me and he says that he'd change but he never does and this has been going on for months. I do love him but I have learnt that love is never ever enough. I know deep down he's envious of me and jealous of my successes. He's insecure and takes it out on me even though I reassure him and comfort him and stuff all the time. I've come to learn how selfish he is and how impatient and Controlling he is as well. I feel like I can't enjoy the things I love because he judges what I'm into because he thinks a certain way. I always feel like I can't be myself because of how he acts. I feel like I have to be fully like his style. He is very specific on what I should do with my hair which is very suspicious to me. He always tells me who hits on him like 2 days ago some girl at walmart flirted with him and she was emo and had red and black hair which what he wants me to do with his hair and I just felt really down about it. Not to mention he always talks shit about his exes and brings them up. Not only that he knows what his exes are doing in life and he will spot them and say that he did to me. Not only that he does and says all the romantic things that he's done and said to his exes which makes me feel like he doesn't mean it at all. I can't do what I want or say what I want without him throwing a fit. I've gotten music opportunities and I feel like I have to turn them down because he throws a fit. When I stay at his house he's too lazy to even let me make food or him make food or for him to go get food and he just let's me starve even though I get hungry. I always have to pick up after him too. When im falling asleep and im really tired he cuddles me then starts to like touch me in areas that are sexual and then I end up waking up because he wants to do the deed but I fucking feel obligated like I have to even though I don't want to. Anyways right now I am laying down on my bed thinking about all of this... and that's why im doing this rn. But hopefully he'd change his bad habits... because I can't handle them...

-love always, D xoxo♡

[shotorozu]

4K!! IM SO PROUD YOU DESERVE IT SO MUCH MY ANGEL <33

i'd like to request tamaki caught in 4k sharing clothes with his s/o if that's okay. congrats again!! im so happy for you :')

CAUGHT IN.. 4K SHARING CLOTHES

THE 4,000 FOLLOWERS EVENT 📸 (prompts and rules can be found there)

note(s) : AAAA THANK YOU, TY TY SO MUCH ❤️‍🔥🤍‼️ also yes, this prompt with tamaki is absolute gold so— the taste 👁👁 (sorry for the delay 😔 wrote this before the event ended— so now im just posting what i had written)

it first started off simple, like most things.

it first began with a pair of octopus patterned socks— oddly enough. you just so happened to like tamaki’s ‘octo-socks’ as you’d call them. since he noticed your obvious fascination to them, he allowed you to borrow them for some time.

he didn’t see anything faulty with it, after all— they were just some socks he bought while shopping one day, a part of him choosing to disregard the paranoia of someone recognizing the familiar socks on you.

then, you guys had a fair trade of some comfy, dark gray sweats. which tamaki seemed to subconsciously seek after one gruesome, busy day outside, and when he was too tired to get his own pair.

then came the graphic t-shirts, dress shirts, and then finally— the hoodies and sweatshirts.

a part of you thinks the both of you would’ve started sharing things like hoodies and sweatshirts first, and not something like a pair of socks.

however, the socks weren’t garbage in terms of fashion sense— and besides,socks are somewhat of a secret item, maybe not intentionally secretive, but subtle. and, you’re content with that, you know how much of a timid person tamaki is.

and, you’d be better off not seeing your boyfriend bursting out into hives, because someone recognized the familiar article of clothing.

but then, there was this non-verbal agreement the two of you had. that was to only wear each other’s clothes during dates, and moments where you’re spent in each other’s dormitory rooms.

the current situation, being the first exclusion of that implicit rule.

“tama, just— wear the sweater? what’s wrong with it?” amidst the rush, you still manage to question him, even though you’re not directly looking at him. on the other half, your indigo haired boyfriend still worries.

“n-nothing’s wrong with your sweater. ‘s nice..” he stammers, mumbling the last part, as he picks up your sweater— and feels the sweater’s fabric. “it’s just.. what if someone recognizes it?” he questions reasonably.

“they won’t, they’ll be too busy doing i don’t know— planning the next class hangout?” you quickly throw on an outfit, one that’s fashionable and less than questionable— and turn to the door, “we should go,”

tamaki opens his mouth to speak, but hearing your classmates call out for more people to gather at the common room— you’re already out the door in a hurry.

he has valid concerns and worries. first of all— the sweater you threw at him was a sweater you bought online. the mini logo was reflective, and it had an intricate, unique design engraved at the hem of the sleeves. cheap, but of high quality. so, it would’ve been highly questioned, if he wore it instead of you.

reluctantly, tamaki steps outside— following your footsteps, and also trying to calm his mind.

he stands next to you in the common room, luckily not in the center of all the attention. tamaki slightly relaxes when no one speaks to him— being occupied by the meeting.

“nice sweater, tamaki!” mirio compliments, the appearance of his friend nearly startling him. despite not being in the same class, mirio still hangs around in 3-A, just for anything. “where’d you find it? the fabric.. feels fancy!”

tamaki freezes at the question. how’s he supposed to answer that? sure, he might’ve been across the room when you bought the sweater, but the precise details? he’s not sure.

he huffs, preparing his logical, implicit answer “o-online,”

the matter seems to be settled at that, but even with the lack of conversation— it feels like someone’s boring their eyes into the back of his skull. tamaki doesn’t dare to look back, not wanting to see the wondering stares.

“tamaki!” nejire’s cheerful voice snaps him out of his worry. it doesn’t fail to make him flinch, “h-hi.” he replies, nodding in acknowledgement

nejire’s eyes are sent downwards, and her curious eyes linger onto his sweater for moment, there’s something unreadable in her stare.

“i asked you about your opinion,” she grins, knowing his lack of attention, “should our class stay in for a movie this weekend? or should we go out to the mall?”

tamaki gulps, all of the attention being focused on him. he just hopes no one says anything about his sweater. “i-i don’t know? is there a split opinion?”

“half of us want to go to the mall and half of us wanted to stay here. we just need your call to settle it!” a classmate remarks encouragingly, patting tamaki on the back.

“on a side note, your sweater looks kinda familiar.” another classmate remarks, “it makes me want to go to the mall and find it.”

the comment unsettles him, and it’s not just because they probably can’t find the sweater in the mall.

“actually— yeah, where did you buy it? was it custom made? i haven’t seen that sweater anywhere!” nejire comments

he knows he should probably change the subject into something less.. probing. “i-i think we’re getting side tracked—”

“wait!” a female classmate interrupts, “i know why that sweater’s familiar now.”

you finally look at tamaki’s sweater, and his concerns suddenly make sense to you— seeing that it was the sweater you’ve bought online. you don’t know if you should feel panicked, proud, amused, or all three together.

“that’s Y/N’s sweater! i saw them wearing that same sweater a week ago!” they revealed, and the class shouts in realization— the discussion of where to go for the weekend is long gone.

“no wonder why Y/N’s socks looked so familiar, it was because they were tamaki’s” nejire practically squeals, “our friends are soooo cute! absolute goals!”

at the discovery that his friends knew about the socks exchange, tamaki’s heart beat increased— skipping a few beats in the process.

“at least we can wear each other’s clothes in public now!” you reassure lightly, pecking his cheek— which causes the class to uproar in glee yet again.

it felt like he was going to pass out, away, and ascend into the sky.

[legends-live-in-memories]

“How Did All This Happen?”- A Memoire by one Marinette Dupain-Cheng 5

hi. im back. after slightly longer than usual (my usual was like everyday, not happening again) i have returned. :) this update is also slightly longer than usual too but who complains about that?

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 6

without further ado

Did Marinette Miss Her Own Wedding? I

Constantine was having a horrible time, as far as Marinette could tell. His phone kept ringing, which he was pointedly ignoring, and he looked more and more frustrated as he skimmed through one of his many grimoires. He was also very sober. Maybe that had something to do with it.

After Marinette’s little excursion out with Plagg the previous night, Constantine joined her and her grandfather and explained the lore behind the Renlings and what they were capable of. Marinette was already over it. It’s one thing to be magical guardians of one set magical gods, but animal spirits that transform the wielder into the respective animal is borderline ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous. And Constantine wants her to find them. Why not the Justice League? Or their team of proteges? Well, apparently, Constantine has a healthy distrust of the Justice League and magic they are unfamiliar with. Something about a mystical house no longer existing because somebody was suspicious. They fucked around and found out, as Plagg so eloquently put it. She didn’t know how she felt about aiding Constantine in his paranoia.

Anyways, Marinette was now Constantine’s go-to whenever he wanted to keep things away from the JL. She would have said no like a reasonable person, but she was at least getting more magical training and could actually use some of the spells in the Miraculous grimoire. Speaking of which, the grimoire that Constantine was hunching over was supposed to help them in finding the other Prodigiouses. The Kwamis were surprisingly unhelpful as they have never heard of the Prodigiouses or Renlings. 

After what could have been hours of grueling translating and spellwork, Constantine had finally figured out the location of the eight total Renlings and what their prodigiouses looked like. While Marinette and Master Fu began scheming appropriate retrieval plans, Constantine went to answer his many missed calls.

“What?!” Well that sounded concerning. Constantine looked ready to pull his hair out from scalp with tweezers. Whatever news he just received must have been awful for him to lose his composure like this. Good.

“You lot are planning to do what now?” Oh, was this JL business? Should Marinette be listening to this, albeit one-sided, conversation?

“And why do you all need to do this?” 

“Don’t give me that attitude. I’m working on something important.”

“Yes it is important, Zatanna. Please don’t let that group of League Juniors do this.”

“You even got me saying ‘please.’ No I can not tell you why”

“Well what do you mean you can’t trust me?!” This was starting to sound serious. The popcorn that Wayzz brought was also making this ten times more entertaining. 

“Zatanna-” Oh he got cut off. Serves him right.

“Fine, be that way.” Constantine forcefully ended the call and was pouting like a child. 

Marinette didn’t know if she should ask anything but she had the feeling it was related to the prodigiouses and tracking them. Were the League getting involved? It would explain his desperation to not have them interfere. 

“I can’t believe them.” Looks like Marinette didn’t have to make the decision after all. He was going to rant about it.

“What can’t you believe, Constantine?” Her grandfather appeared equally as curious.

“The Team are going to try and track down the prodigiouses. Luckily, they only think there are five rather than eight.” He paused to run his hands through his already disheveled hair. “I don’t know which five they’re tracking. Also, they probably know you have the Snake’s Fang.”

“Pardon?” Marinette doesn’t know what she would do if she was on the Justice League’s most wanted.

“Zatanna didn’t outright say it, but Kobra probably told them it was taken from him. That’s probably how they knew about the others too. Thanks for that.”

“First of all, I didn’t even know what these things were so don’t blame me. Second of all, this could have all been avoided if you just told them!” Marinette did not appreciate the blame being put on her for the League’s involvement. She wasn’t done ripping Constantine a new one yet either. “Especially considering the fact that you knew that their secondary team had a mission there. UN rules or not. But no! You wanted to keep all your magical secrets to yourself. So don’t blame me for the consequences of your own actions.” She was fuming at this point, probably overreacting, but she was tired of cleaning up after people who won’t so much as thank her. 

The ensuing silence was deafening and eyes that weren’t on Marinette were on Constantine. He looked rather surprised at Marinette’s show of spine, probably forgetting that she was born and raised in the League of Shadows. He never will again if he keeps pushing his luck. 

Fu cleared his throat, probably clogged from the awkward tension. “Well, now that that’s all dealt with, do you know what your next move is Constantine? Do we actively hinder the League for the sake of your own peace of mind or do you talk to them and work collaboratively with them?” 

Constantine, who was still doing his best fish impersonation since Marinette—no, Mei Fu—dragged him for everything he’s worth, tried to string together an answer. 

“I still think it’s best we don’t involve the Justice League with this. We should try to intervene and cut off their attempts of retrieving the prodigiouses.” He sounded like a child trying to convince their parents that they didn’t break the expensive vase. Very pitiful and very unconvincing. 

“Fine.” Pardon? Did her grandfather just agree? “We’ll help you keep the prodigiouses and the Renlings away from the Justice League.” Wow. Okay. So he’s just agreeing with him. Three guesses as to who will actually be the one to retrieve them. Wonderful.

Groaning with the weight of a thousand suns, Marinette also voiced her consent. The Kwamis were silent throughout this, not expressing their opinions. Except for Trixx, who had periodically rolled his eyes so hard Marinette would have been concerned he had popped a few blood vessels, if he had any. 

They spent the rest of the week planning and convincing her parents that she wasn’t in danger with her grandfather. They agreed that Marinette would retrieve the Dragon’s Claw first. Despite Brazil being closer, the Monkey’s tail would be harder to find in the dense forestry so they didn’t want to waste time on an extended search until much later. 

If you were to ask Marinette, the week was not enough to prepare. She made arrangements to stay with the Tsurugi family and convinced Kagami to help her in the mission. Her mother would be providing them with non-miraculous weapons as a back-up. Lady Tomoe was too understanding of her daughter being a magic-wielding superhero in Marinette’s opinion. Not one to look a gifted horse in the mouth, Marinette did not make any comments about the very impressive artillery of weapons. She chose a pair of double broadswords while Kagami stuck to a katana. Kagami also had the Dragon and the Ladybug prepared while Marinette stuck to the Tiger and Horse. Plagg didn’t want to miss out on the action and planned to tag along again. Wayzz made an off-handed comment about Plagg’s sixth sense for chaos and his recent desire to accompany Marinette on these missions. Overthinking whatever that was supposed to mean had cost Marinette six hours of sleep. 

While everything had been physically prepared, Marinette had yet to cope with the whole ‘going behind the backs of the Justice League because Constantine was paranoid’ thing. But this will not be the worst thing she has done. She also has the godsend, Kagami, to pull her out of any impending mental spirals. Now all that’s left is to actually get the Dragon’s Claw.

According to Constantine, the Dragon’s Claw was located inside the dojo of a martial arts master, O Sensei. Kagami, to be referred to as Tonbo, meaning Dragonfly, was to guard the perimeter for any individuals who could get in the way, while Marinette, codenamed Tigerlily with this combination of miraculouses, was to find the Dragon’s Claw, camouflaged by the tiger miraculous, and teleport them both back out. It was simple enough in planning and should be simple enough in execution. Even if the sensei of the dojo was to be made aware of their presence, They were expecting the element of surprise to give them an advantage. You know, outside of Marinette’s assassin training. So, yeah the plan was simple.

Except for the part where a group of the young Justice League heroes were already there negotiating with whom she assumed was O sensei. She recognized Kid Flash, Robin and Nightwing. The two women with them were unfamiliar. She also found the Dragon’s Claw in the sensei’s hand. She was positioned on a tree branch looking into a window in the room. If she timed this right, she could grab the necklace and portal out of the room to Tonbo and then portal back to the Tsurugi residence. That plan carries the risk of being seen but the pay-off should be worth it.

Poised to leap from the branch, Tigerlily steadied her breathing and prepared to call on the Horse’s Voyage. Still camouflaged, she jumped through the window and summoned the portal, about to grab for the necklace. Except she grabbed nothing and was suspended in the air. 

Who she knew now was Ms. Martian was using her telekinetic abilities to suspend her. Kid Flash sped his way over and quickly tied her, the contact breaking the camouflage charm. They must have figured she would appear at one of the locations eventually and planned a contingency plan for her appearance. The martian hasn’t read her mind yet, so maybe they thought she was non-hostile. That thought wouldn’t last long however as Tonbo emerged from the portal and, using the Flame Dragon, took down Ms. Martian. Tigerlily used the distraction to undo the bindings and get in a fighting stance. Nightwing and Robin were protecting O sensei while Kid Flash and the other woman charged at the two. 

Kid Flash was circling the two faster and tighter, corralling them together. Tigerlily drew for her broadswords and slashed the old floor boards. Kicking them in Kid Flash’s path, she knocked him off balance and thumped him the back of the head with the butt of her blade, knocking him down. Tonbo called for her Storm Dragon to subdue her opponent, who was also knocked down, then strung up both with the Ladybug yoyo. Tigerlily began a steady approach to the two batboys. She was ready to attack first but Nightwing got the upper hand. He drew his escrima sticks and swiped for Tigerlily’s head. She blocked with one sword and jump kicked to his chest, missing him entirely as he had crouched to sweep her legs from underneath her. Rolling out of the fall, Tigerlily slashed for his rising back but he intercepted with his other stick. He turned to face her and barrelled his full strength into her. They crashed into the nearby wall and at a standstill.

Tonbo was caught in a clash of katanas with Robin, neither side giving way to the other. If Tigerlily was more conscious of their fight than her own, she would have noticed familiar fighting techniques that were ingrained in her since birth. Alas, her attention was on the blue bird in front of her. Using his force that kept her against the wall, She double kicked him in the chest, forcing him away. Robin and Tonbo had broken away from each other and Tonbo aimed to stab Nightwing in the leg. Nonfatally of course, she wasn’t an ex-assassin as far as Tigerlily knew. Right? 

Anyways, her attack switched up the fight as now Tigerlily tried to dodge under Robin's incoming blade. Sliding on her knees, she reached to where O sensei was situated with the Dragon’s Claw. Frustrated with the night’s turn of events and forgetting all sense of pleasantries, Tigerlily tried to grab for the necklace. The business end of a katana was swiftly placed under her jaw. One wrong move meant game over.

“What do you want with the Dragon’s Claw?” Robin sounded like he was holding back from saying something. 

“An acquaintance of mine wishes for you all to not have it. I am merely doing him a favor, Tweety Bird.” Where did that nickname come from? She must have been internally catastrophizing more than she thought she was if she was actually trying to flirt her way out of this. Tonbo’s exasperation was made loud and clear with that answering sigh.

“Flattery gets you nowhere, Mei.” Robin’s arm twitched at that.

“Wait, you know her?” “You know him?” Nightwing’s and Tonbo’s voices overlapped but Tigerlily registered none of it as her ears were ringing with spiked emotions she thought she had buried years ago. Only a few people knew her by that name. Kagami, Chloe, Luka and Adrien were the only people outside of the League of Shadows who knew her by that name. Even then, there was only one person her age with the Shadows who knew her. But it couldn’t be him. He was supposed to be dead. There was no way in hell that the Boy Wonder holding a katana to her throat was—

“Damian?!”

Taglist:

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[silenthillmutual]

Would u ever analyse/write about peter bipolar stuff bc i see so many ppl psychoanalyse daniil but i just want to put the stamatins in a lab and examine them anyway i saw ur peter daniil bingo thing and i think manic depressive peter is so real and we should spread the word and there isnt enough peter content maybe daniil can b there too so yh what do u think about petrs brain ??...... umm im a little weird from many painkillers but i hope this makes sense

bipolar peter ask part 2 -- but also i think p1 petr is so different from p2 peter kind of a bigger different than most other characters   [[like peter1 is still consumed by his vision and a pretty wizard and insane utopian but p2 peter is more tired disillusioned ready to be a dilf]]]  so  like man they might need to be separated if analysed  but anyway hes got problems  ❤️

soooo i am trying to answer this for the second time. tumblr’s new ask formatting kind of fucked up when i tried to insert the few screenshots i thought explained peter’s mental state. so here’s peter thoughts... 2!

i don’t really have the screenshots required to make a lengthy meta post about peter’s mental health issues on the scale of my daniil & autism analysis - though i doubt any analysis i write will quite surpass that - and even less for classic peter, but i do have a few thoughts.

i think a lot about peter’s state of mind because he’s probably my favorite utopian. which isn’t to say that i dislike the others (except georgiy), but peter holds a special place in my heart because i really relate to that depression he’s got going on. i like to think of peter as bipolar type ii, because the depression seems more pronounced. i also think it’s a good balance with andrey, who i hc as having bipolar type i. in contrast to peter’s depression, andrey has the irritability and impulsivity of a manic episode (i mean, he’s walking around without a shirt while there’s a sentient plague outside. shout out to everyone who’s walked around in the freezing cold in tank tops and shorts because they were (hypo)manic)

Peter: We don’t see eye to eye, the Judge and I. He argued taht the Tower was never their family’s crowning achievement... merely mine. And I concur. It was my crown. I’ve hit the ceiling...

i know the tower’s creation and existence is the source of much speculation and i’ve seen and liked a lot of what i read that people have had to say about it, the role it plays in the story, and the role it plays in peter’s depression. but i think it’s also fair to read it as something he may have created and feels he can’t replicate because he was hypo/manic at the time and has since crashed. once while hypomanic i was writing 5k a day like it was nothing, and when i finished the project and the episode i became overwhelmed with grief, like i would never write again. i think this hypothesis is supported by the fact that he and andrey obviously have created many fantastic things - they reference the dancing bridge and i think the other two are the cold hall and the house house? it’s late so lol if i got the names wrong - so clearly those unfinished stairways are not all there is. and he’s inspired again when he temporarily has custody of grace, so clearly he can and will create again, with or without the polyhedron.

Peter: You know, old boy, I was never persecuted for my genius. Nor was I prosecuted for murder. And yet, it turns out all this was my hell after all.

Voice line: Life is a night at the bar. All the wisdom you gain, you pay for in pain.

i think one of my friends w bipolar suggested that the way he interacts with his creations hints at psychosis, but that's something i'd be ill-equipped to discuss as i don't experience psychosis. his paranoia that farkhad and andrey are mad at him, though...

Peter: I wonder how long my tower will hold. I wonder if Farkhad forgave me... if Brother is angry with me... I wonder about many things.

this screenshot isn’t exactly proof of anything, but he definitely seems wrapped up in mistakes that he’s made in the past in a way that feels familiar. at some point in time all the mental illnesses become inextricable, but there’s a lot i’ve felt i’ve lost to the bizarre shit i’ve done while strugging w bipolar disorder and i think the regret is real. not to mention the significant comorbidity of bipolar disorder and anxiety disorders. and the high rate (70%, according to this) of comorbidity between bipolar disorder and substance use disorder

Peter: A lot. I have to quit drinking, but I don’t have any willpower left.

peter clearly has a lot less faith in his potential for recovery and it makes me wonder if he’s tried to get sober before and failed.

also i tend to mash my characterizations together when writing fic because i look at the two games as accompaniments of each other - especially as we only have one route of p2 so far. but i do think p2 peter seems slower and sadder than classic peter. i think they’re different symptoms of the same illness though... maybe when i get around to replaying bachelor route i’ll take more screenshots of peter and formulate more thoughts on his mental illness but boy. he’s got it.

thank u for the ask!! i love talking n thinking about this kinda stuff.

[p1nkwitch]

Just wanted to drop this cause im tired.

Enjoy some lonelyeyes reincarnation au in a coffee shop.

Peter works.

Its not something that particularly bothers him much. His sister laughs and jokes around with him, while moving around serving her orders.

Their cafe is small and cozy but also sort of lonely, they have the oddest shifts imaginable, mostly working the graveyard shift.

Peter cooks the pastries while Judith and Aaron take the orders and serve the food. Clara has her music show on fridays and Lydia works at the art gallery but spends most of her time helping around as well.

The five of them are happy.

Simon was happy to help them pay for the Tundra Cafe. He hums under his breath while Judy sings along, there weren't that many people so they could do it without shame.

He is content.

…

At least he thinks he is. And honestly why shouldn't he? He has a good job, he has a good relationship with all his siblings, his adoptive dad loved them unconditionally.

By all means he should be nothing but happy.

And yet.

He feels… as if something was missing.

It was like an itch that he could not get over with.

It probably started back when he got a crush in one of his college professors that he realized-

That he really was missing something important.

Mister Wright was older than him sure, but he was handsome and Peter wasn't one to care much about age. However, the few times they spoke it was-

It was like there was something not right, it soured him somehow, but perhaps it was for the best, the man was married and he just had a stupid silly crush. It still did not take away the fact that he felt as if there was something off with him too.

He thinks his eyes should be a clearer grey than they were.

The next time he realized something was off was when he met Elias Bouchard.

Again it was embarrassing how quickly he seemed to get a crush on him, he just saw him a few times and his mind got stuck on his face. He was handsome and this time he was around his age. They had a few classes together so despite his anxiety he actually spoke with him.

And it was….

Dull.

He was dull as a wall. It did not lead up to anything else, beyond a few greetings later on, but it stayed on his mind.

Any other attempt at dating or going out turned out badly for him and its not as if he didn't try! It just was never… right.

Clara said that if he kept looking for the perfect person he would die alone and miserable. Lydia hits her and tells him that its ok, sometimes people don't click, he just needs to find someone who gets him.

He tries, but between his social anxiety, personality and perhaps his lack of interest in sex during the best of times, people are more or less put off with him. His sisters and brother are all offended on his behalf but Peter has resigned himself to not think too much about it.

Maybe he is like Lydia and he is better off alone.

That makes all of them look at him with tight faces and he blinks confusedly at them.

“What?”

“Nothing, nothing, just, you have us and dad Peter you're not alone” Judy holds his hand and Aaron nods.

“I- i know, i just meant like relationship wise, maybe i just have to be alone. I know I have all of you. We live in the same building block. I don't think we could be alone if we wanted” That makes them all sort of laugh and the tension breaks.

His siblings talk and joke and he ponders.

He wonders why sometimes they all act weird with him when he speaks about being alone. Why his adoptive dad always made sure to let them know he loved them. Simon was fun and took care of them, but it always felt as if he wasn't saying something.

However he sees his family be happy around him and he ignores that feeling of wrong that always permeates around him. He won't dampen their happiness with his own pessimistic thoughts and paranoia.

So yes, Peter bakes, makes models of ships on his free time, takes pictures a lot-

He found out he enjoyed keeping pictures of things he liked, plus taking odd ones of his siblings. It was just… harmless fun, more often than not he went to the port to take pictures of the ships. He wondered how it would feel to have his own.

Still that's a dream for someone else.

Peter Fairchild is happy with the quaint little life he has.

It stands to reason that his life would be upturned on a Tuesday, Peter has a personal hate towards that day of the week and it makes sense that this happened then.

Aaron was running late, he had to help a friend move out and it took longer than expected, the cafe opened earlier than usual and there were a lot of people. Judith could not take all the orders on her own, and their sisters would not be able to help at least for another hour. So with a sigh and discomfort he goes to take orders.

They work faster like that at least.

Its when he asks about the order of some guy working on his laptop that he gets hit with something familiar.

“One black coffee and a chocolate croissant” The order rings alarm bells on his head so he looks to the face of the owner.

A man with curly auburn hair, red glasses and freckles gives him a practiced strained smile that he sees in more clients, but what actually makes him almost drop the paper he was writing on was the eyes, they were such a cool shade of grey.

He flounders and the man raises an eyebrow impatiently, so he writes quickly and goes back to get order. She gives him a puzzled look since she is usually the one taking them to the customers, but Peter shakes his head and works.

His hands move on autopilot to make the coffee, and even if he says black he puts just the right amount of milk and sugar that his mind provides.

Picking up one of the freshly made croissants and after hesitating a chocolate chip cookie he goes and gives it to the man quietly and without a word. That done and his sweaty palms and his heart going faster he goes to hide in the kitchen, expecting to get yelled at for messing up the order-

But nothing happens.

Judith comes to check on him, but Peter was at that point just cleaning up a little bit and waves her away. Nodding she hesitates and hugs him a little bit before going out. He lets out a breath and sighs.

Lydia and Clara come 10 minutes later and he can stay cooped out in the kitchen in peace. Still he can't help but to be nervous about the customer he gave the coffee and cookie.

Why did he change his order? It was insignificant but it just sounded right. Fretting a little he finishes cleaning the plates. Nothing else comes about and by the time they close the man is gone.

The feeling of loss becomes stronger.

He doesn't see him again for at least another 3 weeks, in fact the only reason he realizes is because Clara says there is a sour red head giving her and Judith the stink eye every time they try to get his order. His lips twitch upwards and he suggests sending Aaron, she rolls her eyes but asks the younger boy to go.

Its not five minutes later that he comes back just as perplexed.

“Is he trying to just get the wifi for free? I'm going to kick him off” Peter dries his hands and quietly prepares the order. Once he is done he sneaks out and delivers it to him, the man gives him a critical look that sends shivers down his spine. Both in disgust and familiarity.

“I didn't order yet”

“... Well you didn't let anyone take your order anyways” His lips purse in thought and he picks up the drink taking a sip. He puts the rest of his things down and goes to turn around to leave, when he asks how did he know how he takes his coffee.

Peter doesn't have a clue.

“You just looked like you needed something less bitter” He sees his mouth fall open slightly and Peter goes while feeling his ears burn, oh god why did he say that?

Once back in the safety of the kitchen, Judy gives him a look but pats his shoulder and goes out.

Ok, ok, he is fine.

The man keeps coming and refuses to let any of his siblings pick out his orders. So Peter is the one in charge to talk with him. Albeit that is an understatement. They merely snark a little, he gives him his order and goes. Whoever is working that day is supposed to charge him, Peter is only obligated to present the food. However the interesting thing is, that just as their cafe opens at weird hours of the day, the man appears there just as well, its kind of eerie how well he seems to know when it's open considering they have the oddest schedules.

Its in fact in one of those times they work at night that he sees him again. Usually he is very put together, but this time he looked… well messy. His hair looked as he had run his hands through it several times, his eyes were red and puffy and he honestly looked miserable.

Peter was completely baffled, the worst part is he wasn't sure what to do, or if he should say something.

The place was almost empty, his sister was keeping watch, so he just stands there and asks what he wanted that night.

He looks up to him and Peter has that feeling that this man should not be looking like this, he should be smug or sure of himself not… whatever this was. He also wanted to pull him towards him and that thought made his cheeks heat up.

“Just- heh, just surprise me i guess. Its been… its been one of those days” He is not sure what he means, but he nods and goes to make him something. Most of the names of the drinks and desserts were Lydia's ideas, the rest of his siblings alongside him were terrible at picking names. He is surprised they even let him pick the one of the cafe, but considering the other options, it was the least weird one.

Still they do have some that they chose for the orders.

Case in point.

The chocolate tower cake lovingly named the panopticon and his special coffee the watcher. It was named like that when it was proven that it had so much caffeine that it made you unable to sleep. He is sure he saw a guy stop blinking for like five minutes after insisting on drinking it, despite the warnings.

So once he grabs it, he takes it to the table and warns him.

“We are not responsible for the repercussions of drinking the watcher” The man looks at him and for the first time since he started to come he sees him smile, soon it turns into laughter. Peter watches while clutching the tray and feeling butterflies in his stomach.

He has a lovely laugh.

“What- what is so funny?”

“You- i- it doesn't matter. I get the name now I suppose. The cake?” The small chocolate tower had several fillings and it was very spongy and full of chocolate.

“Mm the panopticon is the best cake we have, surprised you didn't try it before little man” The slip up comes and he freezes expecting the man to say something or get annoyed, but all he does is sigh and smile more sadly at him.

“Thank you” Its weird and he is unsure what happened but he smiles back awkwardly.

He doesn't come back for 2 weeks.

Its raining when he sees him again.

It was Lydia and him and the place only had two clients sitting around drinking and talking amicably. He doesn't pay attention to the little whistle that lets them know someone entered, Simon thought it would be more fun than a bell.

Still his older sisters comes inside looking-

Frazzled?

Lydia is the most calm out of all of them so he immediately goes to see if she is fine, instead she shakes her head and points inside the cafe.

When he looks he sees the man, but he also realizes he has an awful bruise on his eye and chin as if someone had punched him. His heart sort of seizes and his sister goes out with him.

“Are you-”

“I want another watcher and panopticon” He doesn't let him finish, he is sitting close to the register. The man looks even more tired and wiped out.

“... I will get it?” Lydia elbows him. “Do you- do you want some ice for your face?” He can feel his sister disappointment and need to hit her forehead, but he honestly doesn't know what to say. The man, and he really needs to get a name, nods, so Peter prepares the order and gets some ice wrapped up for him.

“Thank you”

“You are welcome um..-?” He drifts and the man looks at him with one eye squinting due to the swelling.

“Jonah. In Jonah Magnus” He seems to be expecting something, yet Peter just nods.

“Peter Fairchild pleasure to meet you?” Lydia is giving him looks. Jonah seems to deflate, but smiles a little, albeit is tainted by the grimace of pain.

“Now that we have names can i eat?” He scowls but nods and lets him be. Still he checks on him from time to time and everytime he peeks from the kitchen window he sees him staring back at him. Peter blushes and works.

He leaves and he is left with questions.

Lydia acts very oddly and concerned about him and the man, but he waves her off.

Jonah comes back, still with the bruises but he looks more calm.

“I wanted to apologize for the scare, I had an altercation with… a friend. That went poorly as you can see” Peter nods and gives him his cookies.

“So- um.. I was wondering if perhaps as a… you know, treat for being so nice, you would like to go out to eat? Or well i was going to suggest getting some coffee but i think you might already be tired of it by now” It takes him a few seconds to realize he is asking him out. When he does he chokes on air and after thinking it a little he nods.

He sees Jonah smile become more real and realizes he was concerned he would say no. He also sees his cheeks start to slowly become more pink the more he stares. So he looks elsewhere and says they can pick a date later. Jonah nods, grabs the writing pad from his hands brushing their fingers and puts up a number.

“So we can arrange it more easily” Peter nods and laughs nervously while walking away. He feels them tingle pleasantly.

“YOU HAVE A DATE!!”

“With the weirdo Ju, i'm sure Peter can do better than him-”

“Cla don't be mean, plus he said yes so he is interested-!”

“That he is interested doesnt mean its good for him Aaron!”

“Don't be so sour-”

Lydia sits with him and they just watch TV calmly while the others talk in the kitchen making dinner. It was Saturday so they were having it in her apartment.

“Do you think it will make you happy?” The question is too particular, but his sister is always like that so he nods.

“It feels… right, more real than anything i suppose, i know its weird but i just…” He just sometimes feels as if he is sort of existing in some sort of empty space and that everything is his imagination.

Life is good. He has siblings that love him, a dad that cares for all of them instead of their original family that was terrible.

Peter has a job-

Life is perfect.

And yet-

This man is more real than anything else.

Like a splash of color in his grayscale world, he is infuriating with his answers when they have small talks at the cafe, but the banter is familiar, it gives him an ache that doesn't understand.

The same ache he thinks he got when he met James and Elias, only this time its because its right. Jonah is right. He is put out of his musings by a hand on his arm.

“I get it Peter… i really do. As long as you are happy its fine. Just… just know that we love you ok? Don't forget it” He tilts his head and sighs before giving her sister a side hug, the top of her head is a little below his collarbone, so he kisses it and says that he could never.

They meet up to actually have lunch.

Its… its nice.

Jonah is a little bastard and they spend time judging and betting on the people around. He also learns more about him.

He is working mostly in management, which he thinks suits him way too well, he seems bossy enough.

“Rude!” He grins at him and feels…

At ease.

The man likewise seems far more calmer and happy, it makes him oddly happy to see him like that.

They keep going out, sometimes for lunch, sometimes they get coffee somewhere else. But they do and the more he gets to hear him talk, the more he feels as if he had always know him, but just could not remember it. Sometimes Jonah seems that he knows him too and its sort of perplexing. Clara would say he stalked him, but its- there are such small things that its not possible for him to know, even if he had.

Its at their 6 date that he asks him to eat at his place. He looks surprised but nods.

When he opens the door and sees him, he almost stammers a holy fuck, he barely manages to get a hold of himself. Jonah looked-

Handsome, so so handsome. It sort of fried his brain a little bit.

So he lets him and tries to finish cooking to distract himself from saying something stupid or embarassing like-

Marry me.

No, no he is not that stupid.

Still Jonah offers to help and they work in tandem and it is such a familiar feeling he is left breathless.

They move as if they both already were used to having the other in their space, its… nerve wracking. Peter wants to know why.

The dinner is delicious and they end up curling on the couch watching tv, Jonah is using him as a giant pillow and Peter can't complain, the weight on top of him actually makes him feel comforted and also sleepy…

He sees the man yawn and before thinking it better asks if he wants to crash here since its late and they are both tired. Jonah blinks at him and he sees him hesitate, so he assures him he won't take it bad if he says no, it was merely a suggestions and-

He laughs and nods before hiding his face on the crook of his neck. He lets out a breath almost as if punched and feels his cheeks warm up while grinning like an idiot.

Once they change and he offers the man a shirt that hangs a little bit too loosely around his frame they get in bed and Peter sort of… stares, Jonah does the same.

“Hey” His lips twitch.

“Hey yourself” It's not clear which one of them moves first, but the next thing he knows they were kissing. It wasn't rushed or anything merely a press of their lips that sets him aflame inside. God he loves him doesn't he?

He loves-

He-

…

Oh.

Son of a bitch.

He bites his lip lightly making the man complain and then he pulls back.

“You sneaky bastard” He sees him frown and then light up with realization.

“Oh”

“Hello Elias” He frowns.

“Jonah if you don't mind” Peter mulls it over, thinking of James and Elias. It wasn't the body that he wanted.

It was the smug bastard that was piloting it that he loved.

“Jonah” The man shivers “I died” He sees him lock his jaw and close his eyes. How peculiar, he would not have hidden away before or shown… shame for what he can see on his face, he wonders what changed in this life.

Peter sees him swallow.

“You did” Nodding he thinks. He died, there were fear gods, he was a Lukas once upon a time, but now he was a Fairchild even if by adoption.

He grew alone, he grew with his siblings.

He was lonely, he was loved.

Peter sees a small tear escape Jonah along with his body being tightly coiled, as if waiting to sprint out.

The punches make sense now, if someone else remembered...

Letting out a breath and pulling at his hair in thought, Peter closes his eyes too and lets it all go over him. That was a life ago, and now? Now he is here and he was… content, but not happy.

Not until he found him again. Or more like Jonah found him.

Its easy honestly, the answer to what he wants to do with him and this chance.

Peter in his first life had only cared about two things, his god and Elias. One is gone, the other.. changed, but was still the same. The same man he had fallen in love with so many times, and in different ways through the years of their marriages and divorces.

The only one that had some form of hold over his heart.

“Come here my little siren” Jonah’s eyes flash open and he blinks a few more tears away before scrambling to his open arms. Its raining outside and the sound its what they hear beyond their breathing and the beating of their hearst. The lights of the room are dimmed and Peter finally feels right, he pulls the covers up and tangles their bodies together, fitting perfectly together.

Without forsaken he can admit it freely, that he loves this, loves the feeling of Jonah pressed against him, a different body, but also always the same.

He just needs to get used to it again, slowly playing with his hair he speaks.

“You are quite a bastard, but so am i and… as nice as this life is… i think its much better with you in it” Jonah shivers.

“What i'm trying to say is i missed you, even if i didn't remember you before. It was always like there was something amiss. A hole in my perfect little life”

“I-” He smiles tiredly.

“You didn't, i know, but its ok. I know you” Jonah shakes his head.

“I did- i just didn't know it either, i thought it was Barnabas at first, then the others, but… it was you. I missed you Peter, I really did…. Even- even in the apocalypse I still did, I would look into the lonely often. Useless sure, but i did” His plan had worked, but at the same time that was no longer their issue.

“Well I guess we are at an impasse. What do you want to do?”

“... I want- i want to stay, please” He thinks of his apartment, big enough for two.

“You will have to deal with my siblings and Simon, this time we stayed close” He snorts.

“If they don't kick me out, i was… an ass with them” Kissing his forehead Peter laughs.

“You were, but… they are happy for me”

“... then yes i would like to stay”

“Good, Jonah?” He looks up to him again, and Peter sees the eyes are the same, that this time they are right, leaning down he kisses him. They fumble in bed for a long while and when they are both sated and more used to each other's bodies, Peter lets the smaller man hug him from the back to cuddle and finally fall asleep.

“You know one would think you would enjoy the opposite of this-”

“I do, but i missed you, so hush and just sleep” He stays quiet for a little bit.

“Night Peter”

“Night, I love you”

“.... i love you too” He smiles.

In the morning they will make breakfast, Jonah goes to his place and he prepares to work. Once he sees him come in later on during the day he presents to him his order and gets a smile.

They will try to make this life count.

He wonders how long till he moves in with him.

On his way to buy groceries he sees a box with a familiar kitten left to the side of a building and he sighs. Better take his cat to the vet now, food can wait.

His sisters will be ecstatic.

Aaron not so much since he is allergic, but well.

It is his cat.

Life truly is good now.

He got his husband, his cat, family and job.

Humming along with the kitten pawing at his arms softly he feels the most happy as he has ever been.

[megalony]

Then he was gone

This is a Harry Styles imagine that has a lot of angst in and is inspired by The Time Traveler’s Wife. I hope you all like it, feedback is always appreciated.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem @butlegendsneverdie @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr @rogmeddows @radiob-l-a-hblah @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss @sj-thefan @omgitsearly @luckytrashgooprebel @scarsout @deaky-with-a-c @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac @vousmemanqueez @jonesyaddiction @ambi-and-sunflowers @milanosaurus @httpfandxms @saint-hardy @7-seas-of-fat-bottomed-girls @mrsalwayswritex @rogerina-owns-me @peterquillzsblog @im-an-adult-ish @crazylittlethingg @allauraleigh

Masterlist

Summary: Harry and (Y/n) are trying for a baby but both times they try, it doesn’t work out in their favour.

Detailed/ graphic scenes ahead.

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"How are we feeling today?"

(Y/n) turned to look over at Harry sitting on her left but neither of them could find any words. Their nervous smiles were enough to convey that they were happy but anxious, but there weren't quite any words they could think of to say how they were feeling.

"Nervous." That was the only word that came to either of their minds which seemed to fit what they were thinking and feeling.

A baby had been something they had wanted since before the got married and the moment they were married, they wasted no time in trying. Now they were finally pregnant it was a mix of every emotion they could ever feel but the nervousness was the most prominent because Harry was going on tour soon but he didn't want to miss anything. The tour had been all set out and planned to the last detail and then (Y/n) got pregnant, it wasn't exactly the best timing but it was the best surprise to have.

"There's no need to be nervous. If you'll lift up your shirt honey we can take a look at your little one." Her voice was soothing and her smile was calming, but (Y/n) was still nervous.

She didn't want Harry to go away on tour in case something happened or he missed anything important. It was already being arranged that there would be a break towards the end of the tour for when the baby was born but (Y/n) knew something could happen before then whilst he was away and Harry knew it too. He wished they'd of had some foresight into the future so the tour could have happened earlier or been scheduled for next year or the end of this year at the earliest. But it was too late now to start thinking like that now.

(Y/n) rolled the end of her shirt up with one hand whilst her other hand was still tangled with Harry's who was sitting straight in the chair, his eyes constantly drifting between (Y/n) and the monitor.

Harry loved kids, he had so many god-children and was a babysitter to many of his close friend's kids. Children of his own was something he had always wanted and strived for and now it was finally going to be happening it made him feel giddy like a teenager again.

His eyes concentrated on the monitor on (Y/n)'s other side as the midwife smiled kindly, moving the wand around the gel on (Y/n)'s stomach for a few moments whilst her eyes switched between the screen and the wand. The longer the midwife spent looking at the screen without saying anything, the more Harry and (Y/n)'s nerves started to increase and spark paranoia.

Surely they should have heard a heartbeat or seen something on the screen by now? The midwife wasn't saying anything, did that indicate that there was something wrong?

"Is everything okay?" (Y/n) tried to stop her voice from wavering as she looked up at the midwife with a growing urgency to know what was happening. But the moment the midwife removed the wand from (Y/n)'s stomach and set it down told them this wasn't good news. She should be showing them their baby on the screen and letting them listen to the heartbeat and print a picture so they could have this memory. She shouldn't be sitting down next to them looking like she was very unhappy to be here.

"I would like to take a blood sample to send for testing because I believe you're experiencing an ectopic pregnancy." Her voice was again very calm and slow but her sad smile made (Y/n) coil in on herself before she dared to look over at Harry.

Neither of them knew what that meant but the way the midwife spoke made it clear that they weren't going to have a baby anytime soon.

"I- I don't... is that like a phantom pregnancy?" (Y/n) shook her head as she spoke because she didn't know what that meant. She'd had a friend suffer a phantom pregnancy before and she had taken that very hard, (Y/n) couldn't imagine how horrid it felt for her to be told her body was just mimicking a baby because she wanted one.

(Y/n) let go of Harry's hand for a brief moment so she could sit up straighter and quickly wipe the gel from her stomach when she felt the need to coil her arms to her stomach and fold in on herself.

"No, I'm afraid it's where the fetus doesn't develop in the womb, it starts to grow in the fallopian tube instead or around the tube rather than the womb. The ultrasound wasn't conclusive but I do believe that is what you're experiencing. A blood test will confirm this and then you'll need to have a small injection and be monitored for a week or two to make sure the pregnancy is ended."

"T-that's it? You can't do anything...?" (Y/n) punctured her teeth into her lower lip to try and stop herself from crying but it was useless, she could feel the tears welling up in her eyes despite her best efforts to stop them. She didn't want to sit here and cry in front of the midwife but she didn't know what to do.

That was it. This pregnancy had barely started and now it had to end so quickly like it never existed. They had been trying for over a year to have a baby and now when the chance rolled around it wasn't even going to work out for them.

"Ectopic pregnancies can't develop, I'm afraid the fetus would need to be in the womb from the start to get the nutrients it needs to grow. You're already at ten weeks so the pregnancy needs to be terminated now or else your tube could rupture. I am very sorry."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Y/n) found herself brushing her thumb over one of the many rings on Harry's fingers. The pad of her thumb started to trace the outline of the golden H ring he wore on his left hand as she tried to calm herself down. The past two weeks had been horrid for both of them and it didn't feel like it was even close to being over yet.

(Y/n) didn't know if she was lucky or not. She knew that finding out like they did was much easier than her collapsing in agony and being rushed to hospital to find she was suffering a miscarriage or that her tube had ruptured when they thought everything was fine. (Y/n) also knew that a small injection was all it had taken to make this pregnancy feel like it never existed rather than having to suffer a miscarriage and wait for the baby to pass or have surgery to remove the baby. But that wasn't the kind of luck (Y/n) wanted.

It had taken them over a year to even get this pregnancy, to have it end like this was not luck.

Moving her head, (Y/n) leaned her cheek on Harry's shoulder as they sat in the rather quiet waiting room at the hospital. It only took two days for the blood tests to come back and confirm what the midwife had told them and (Y/n) had gone straight into hospital the next day for the injection like she was just getting a routine vaccination rather than destroying her baby.

When the doctor had explained everything, one thing (Y/n) and Harry both knew immediately was that they were going to still think and talk about this as their baby. They had been told that with ectopic pregnancies the embryo didn't form properly which was why it couldn't be saved so they didn't refer to it as a baby, but it was. This was their baby that they couldn't have, there was no other way to think about this other than their baby.

When their name was called out, the couple got to their feet and followed the directions down the small corridor and into the room labelled number 22, Dr Matthews. They had just gone for another scan and were now seeing the doctor to check everything was okay and that the medication had done its horrid job.

It was clear from the moment they both sat down that they weren't happy or ready for this. All (Y/n) wanted to do was sleep from both sickness and heartache and all Harry could do was stay up all day and night, strumming the strings on his guitar to keep him sane in the dead of night.

(Y/n) ran her hand through her hair before leaning her head back on Harry's shoulder when they sat down. It was hard to keep her eyes open when she felt sick and just wanted to go back home and go to sleep to try and feel better. The medication they gave her came with side effects and all it seemed to do was make her sick, lose her appetite and make her sleep but she just wanted it to stop.

"Thank you both for coming in today. I've taken a look at the scan results from today and the blood tests you're having, but I'm afraid it isn't good news."

Harry's hand tightened around (Y/n)'s as his tired eyes looked around the room but he didn't know what he was looking for. How could this not be good news? Harry knew it wasn't good in the sense that this was about losing their child but he didn't see what could be wrong. (Y/n) had had the injection, she'd had blood tests every few days since then to make sure the medication was actually working and doing its job and the scan today was only to confirm that the pregnancy was terminated. What else could be wrong?

"Why, what's wrong?"

"The methotrexate you had did end the pregnancy but I'm afraid the scan showed that your fallopian tube has already ruptured despite ending the pregnancy. We're going to have to take you for an emergency surgery to remove the ruptured tube and stop any internal haemorrhaging."

For a few moments, all (Y/n) could hear was static in her ears as she closed her eyes and buried her face into Harry's neck like she was trying to disappear. It would have been better if she'd never of been pregnant at all, all the fuss and heartache wouldn't have happened and she and Harry could have dealt with it. They could have carried on trying for a baby or put it on hold for his upcoming tour and tried later on. This shouldn't have turned out like this.

"But if you do that, w-will it make it harder to get pregnant again?" (Y/n) opened her eyes enough to look at the doctor who was staring at her in worry but she didn't care. She didn't want his worry or his pity, she didn't even want this operation if it was going to ruin or lower her chances of being able to get pregnant. Getting this baby had been hard enough and that had been for nothing, (Y/n) wanted a baby and she wasn't losing her chance.

"As far as we can tell, your other fallopian tube is healthy so you'll still be able to conceive with no problems if we remove the ruptured tube. Most women have no problems conceiving with one tube. But you've had the methotrexate so you shouldn't try for a baby for at least three or four months because that will still be in your system."

(Y/n) knew she wouldn't be able to try for a baby for a few months due to the medication and that was fine, she didn't want to try straight away to get pregnant and they couldn't really with Harry going on tour soon. But it was clearly hard for them to try and have a baby, one less tube might just make it that much harder for them to try again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Is everything okay?" Harry couldn't keep the nerves out of his voice as he held (Y/n)'s hand in both of his whilst trying not to let his rings puncture into her hand from the tight force he was holding her hand with. His eyes didn't know whether to focus on the monitor or on (Y/n)'s curved stomach to pray that their baby was okay.

They were eighteen weeks and so far each scan they'd had said everything was going smoothly but it still didn't help them from feeling worried whenever they turned up.

Finding out they were pregnant again was scary despite having a blood test done early on that proved this wasn't an ectopic pregnancy like last time two years ago. There were no anomalies this time, their baby was okay and nothing suggested something was going to go wrong but they didn't count on their luck so far. They had been trying for a few months to get pregnant and now they were, they didn't want anything to go wrong.

"Everything looks perfectly fine to me, baby is big and healthy. Would you like to know the gender?" The broad smile on the midwife's face sent spirals of relief and hope swirling through (Y/n) and she couldn't stop the smile or the tears from forming. Her head turned to look at Harry to double check that they did want to find out what they were having.

"Yes please."

"You're having a bouncing baby boy."

Harry didn't know what he was coming home to.

In all the time he had been with (Y/n), she had never once called him up when he was at the studio or doing an interview or just doing some form of work and asked him to come home. She'd never called him up in such a state like this before and he couldn't understand what was the matter or what was happening. At first he thought she was at home and there was a burglary taking place or that she'd slipped or fallen and hurt herself but all he could figure out was she was in immense pain to do with the baby and she didn't know what to do about it.

When they'd gone through the ectopic pregnancy two years ago Harry kept coming home early or staying home instead of getting prepared for the tour because he didn't want to leave (Y/n). Never once did she call him up when he was preparing or in the studio and ask him to come home, not when she'd been sick or couldn't eat or could barely get out of bed. She never said anything until he came home and that bugged him a lot.

But this one time she did call him told him it was bad because she'd never done this before.

The moment he barged through the front door, Harry was scanning around the house, looking in the living room, the back room, the dining room, the kitchen, the study downstairs to try and find (Y/n) before he gave up and ventured up the stairs to try and find his wife. He had to find her and see what was wrong.

Harry decided to head straight for the bedroom and see if she was in there but the moment he opened the door he stopped on the threshold when (Y/n)'s terrifying sob hit his ears and made him coil in on himself out of instinct. "H- he's b-breathing!" There was such an urgency to (Y/n)'s tone that made Harry lean on his back foot like he was about to run out of the room after witnessing something he shouldn't like he'd uncovered an affair. His right hand wrapped around the back of the wooden chair beside him that was making his rings cut into his skin but he couldn't feel it.

He couldn't feel anything but the screams clawing their nails at the back of his throat, desperate to be released and heard by anyone who would listen.

When his body came back under his control, Harry scuffed his toes against the carpet until he was close enough to the scene that he could collapse down on their shared bed next to (Y/n).

The word 'no' passed through Harry's lips like he was a broken record only able to sing that one word like a mantra stuck in his head. The more he said it the louder it became in his head until that word was all he could decipher and work out. His head started to shake and his vision blurred with unshed tears that were desperate to coat his features and burn into his skin like tears of acid as he tried to look at his wife through the tears.

She was kneeling up on the bed but her body was hunched over like there was a huge weight settled on her upper back that was crippling her and every inch of her was visibly shaking showing she was in a state of shock. The clawing screams at the back of his throat calmed down for a second, only to let Harry choke down a gag when the stench of blood and the copper-coloured substance was all he could now see in front of his eyes. The blood was stuck all over the bed and drenched into the sheets but that wasn't the worst thing that Harry could see.

It was his baby boy that he was staring at who was here far too early for his own good. Harry had never seen a baby look like that, he'd never witnessed or seen pictures of a baby so premature like this and he didn't like it. His boy had such a small nose it was almost invisible, his eyes didn't look right somehow, even though they were closed they looked too small and scrunched up and his body had creases and crinkles like a badly folded piece of clothing. His little arms were shaking and there was next to no muscle or tissue around his limbs that were thin and fragile like rolls of paper.

Harry had the sudden wonder that if he reached out for his boy's hand, his tiny fingers would break under any kind of touch they were so small.

He fit in the palms of (Y/n)'s hands.

He was the exact size of both (Y/n)'s hands and Harry knew if he held him he wouldn't fit in his hands. There was too much blood and murky coloured fluids covering him to make him look recognisable to Harry, he was too small to look like a baby when his head was small and squishy like a foam ball. But when the tiny baby tried to breathe all he seemed to do was splutter the fluids like his underdeveloped lungs were drowning.

"Harry..." (Y/n) knew what she was asking of Harry but at the same time, she didn't. She wanted him to do something, she wanted him to help and make this better but she didn't know how on Earth he could do that. They both knew that at this stage he had a slim chance of survival in a hospital ICU but they weren't at the hospital. They were at home with no medical equipment or professionals here to help and getting to a hospital was going to take precious time that they didn't have.

He was too early.

When (Y/n) placed him into Harry's hands she didn't know what she expected him to do or say but the sob that escaped his lips shocked her. She'd seen Harry cry out of happiness each time they found out they were expecting a baby or when she said yes to marrying him or on their wedding day. She'd seen him cry out of nervousness before shows or during moments where the cameras and constant media got too much for him. (Y/n) had witnessed him crying out of sadness when someone died or when something weighed down on him far too much.

But she'd never seen him cry out of pure heartbreak before. He'd never wailed like his heart was physically being ripped out of his chest but again, he'd never felt like there was a hand wrapped around his heart trying to tear it free from his chest.

His thumb brushed against his boy's cheek, smearing away the blood like he was trying to see the skin beneath and see what colour it was but his thumb could take up the whole expanse of their baby's cheek, he was so small.

Harry didn't know what to do.

His baby boy was here now when they had only been twenty weeks pregnant and there was nothing they could do for him because they weren't doctors. Harry didn't have anything to help his baby boy breathe or even to try and clear his airways of the fluids and blood that was bubbling past his thin lips. There was no incubator here to keep him warm and snuggle him up inside so he thought he was still in the womb and protect so he could grow.

All Harry had was the heat from his hands and the love from his heart, but that would never be enough to do anything for his baby.

Harry felt like his boy was going to slip right through his fingers like he was suddenly going to dissolve into water and fall through the gaps between his fingers and be like he never really existed at all. He was slippery and slimy like a fish out of water, desperate to hop back into the sea and carry on with its life.

But he couldn't do that. He was born now, he couldn't go back into the womb and wait for when he really should make his appearance. He had come on the stage in the wrong act and he couldn't back away or take it back now.

And then he was gone.

Harry couldn't feel his small chest convulsing and beating in time with the blood rushing from his lips anymore. His body was no longer shaking in Harry's hands, his breaths were no longer spluttering from his lips and he wasn't drowning anymore.

The brief thought of CPR came to Harry's mind but he dismissed it instantly. What would be the point in that? He was already gone, trying to bring him back could hurt his tiny heart that wouldn't be able to beat on its own or break his little bones that weren't finished growing and forming yet. Harry wouldn't break his baby boy like that just to make him suffer a few more harmful breaths to then have him slip away again. He was gone and it was better to let him have his peace than to hurt and butcher him.

(Y/n)'s scream rippled through Harry and made him shake but when he felt her head falling into his neck and her hands digging into his chest, he couldn't comfort her. Harry couldn't wrap his arms around her or cradle her to his chest like he wanted to because he couldn't put their baby down. He didn't dare set him down on the bed in case he broke like a china doll or he suddenly disappeared like he never existed at all. All Harry could do to comfort (Y/n) was to turn his head enough to press his trembling lips to the back of her head.

Their baby was gone but Harry couldn't put him down. He couldn't even look over at (Y/n) whose screams had drowned out into nothing but static in Harry's ears. He had arrived too late, (Y/n) had had him on her own in fear and pain and now he was dead.

They'd lost him.

[friesian]

5:45 am still sick as a dog. just took my heavy duty meds tho so maybe that'll stop it. i'm so fucking angry and tired though.

i really don't get whats so hard about doctors just fucking believing their patients and not doing redundent tests. maybe its the american healthcare system. maybe its because im AFAB. maybe its because i live in west virginia. maybe its all of the above but for fucks sake i should not be in this much consistent pain with a consistent pattern and just be told "yep! you're certainly feeling." and then sent away.

i've been like this since i was 14 after my stomach shut down for over a year. it does this the most near my cycle. i have no idea if its paranoia but im honestly pretty hard pressed to say that i feel hard masses around my lower abdomen. i don't know why i need to be 23, and be in such agonizing pain when a gyno tries to stick a q-tip in me that i cry, that they finally decide to have an ultrasound to look in that region. you would think imaging would be the first thing any of them would do, but instead! no! heres colonoscopy after endoscopy after colonoscopy and its the same shit of "yeah thats a colon! probably just ibs just go away babe"

if you're telling me everyone else lives in this much dysfunction with their colon and that's normal then i'd love to know what the fuck i must be doing wrong to achieve this level of pain and agony that i cannot function over 2 weeks out of a month. i cannot hold a job. i cannot hold friendships. i can barely hold my fucking food. i ate gluten free bread and chicken scraps today for dinner. that's it. i do not think a normal colon is supposed to die from gluten free bread and chicken scraps.

im hoping and also dreading that they find something in my imaging on the 3rd. if they see a horrid mass, or endometrial tissue taking up my entire abdomen that would explain a lot. but the fact that now i have to remove it and also deal with the fact that it was that easy to find but you only chose to do so now at the age of 23 will emotionally wreck me for the rest of my life. i spent all of high school either at home or sitting in public stalls having panic attacks over how much pain i was in. no one should have to deal with this shit. especially not a child who should have focused on growing up and learning, not if they were going to shit themselves 11 hours out of the day.

i apologize for the long winded rant but fucks sake, i am incredibly tired of being in pain like this when i know if i was taken seriously, i could probably have this solved already. fuck doctors sometimes, fucking hell.

[thelesbianlegacy-swtor]

10 Tips for dating a force Girl by the Galaxy Guide to loving girls

As everyone on the Galaxy knows, being around Jedi’s and Sith’s can be a challenge. But this only gets worst when you start dating their cute butts!

So here at the A Galaxy Guide to loving girls, we have put together 10 easy tricks to make your silly girlfriends all the more happier when in your arms!

1- Take special care when around their equals. Some jedi’s still feel some of that silly shame for dating and the sith’s are scared for your safety cause their masters are really a bunch of turds. SO! If around any non close friend from your girlfriend faction, always act as if you were just friends or allies. 

2- Make sure to work around your girl’s alliengment. We all know jedis love to meditate and try to surpress thier emotions. Sith’s are out there blowing stuff up instead of going to theraphy. So you should totally ask dumb questions and keep the effect those magical powers have in them. They are a bit more sensitive than other gals so try to keep their alliengment in mind when they are having a bad day

War is a bummer! It is possible your girl will need to get off your arms from time to time to fight some scary battles. Instead of fearing for them, trust that they will always come back, and in the meantime use the time to prepare somehting fun! Picnics in relaxing places are always a nice choice if your girl is a bit tired of excitement

They had weird childhoods! Listen. Even if you are part of some royalty, a daughter of some farmers or a self made business woman, everyone had a childhood with some common things on them. Well. Almost everyone. Jedi’s and Sith’s are often taking from their homes at early ages so they dont have much experience or memories that lots of us have. When talking with your girlfriend, be sure that you dont make them feel bad for having lost their childhood. Instead make an opportunity to share with them

They are BUFF AS HELL. I mean! They are super strong! Even your local metal bending mandalorian would have a run for their money when facing a jedi or sith on just strengh. Theirp owers make them be able to do things you wouldnt expect them to be capable off. That is GOOD! If you ever have problems with opening cans or frasks they are a lifesaver! They can also lift heavy stuff. But they can also crush you if they arent paying attention when they go for a hug. Overall just keep in mind that even with noodle arms, your girlfriend might be quite strong

They have some NASTY memories. Okay. Here is a serious one. Training from childhood can be harsh. Specially with no family or being a slave. Your girlfriend might have plenty of bad memories and even traumas from trainning to be a super soldier that can levitate things with their minds. Cuddle them. Make sure that they always know that you are there for them and not because of some nasty secret plan .Yeah. Their paranoia sounds crazy but trust me is Justified

They have absolutly weird tendencies. Okay this is relevant but not the same for everyone. Our sith’s girls might get jumpy if you try to surprise them. Remember, they grew up trying not to get killed. Jedi’s have problem with owning things. They dont get much stuff on those fancy temples of them. Both might get heated if you use words from the other side Code. Be careful and always remember you LOVE THEM

Some of them feel less for being weak. Yeah girls. Even the might jedis and siths feel weak sometimes. For both sides power is important. It brings status and a feeling of fullfillmeant. Keep it in mind if they ever get pissy about looking weak or silly. It might be a bigger issue for them than you expect

They might have personalitie issues. Ok so this seems obvious to some but many dont realize that beside their training for war, this girls dont have much people to teach them about what is right or wrong or how to deal with certain issues. Some might be sore lossers and others might feel like being happy is wrong. Usual personality traits are ofthen amplified on this girls. They are not crazy they just lack control in some areas

SEX. Okay we all think of it and let me be clear with you. YES they can get naughty and fun with their powers. You think they are fast when fighting? Wait until they are ridding you. Ever seen a sith Lord choke people around? I aint saying anything else. You already know what im talking about. But no matter the girl or side they are i can asure you one thing. This gals have the stamina of a GODDESS. They wont get tired and have spent their entire lives trainning their bodies. So now drop this blog a repost and go get yourself a Girl!

[gargalesthesia]

3am angsty kiribaku headcanons

cause fuck you thats why im sleep deprived and thought of this so we’re writing it and editing it in the morning (under the cut)

okay lets start with the natural:

-bakugou is deaf or hoh

-because thats the side affect of his quirk and ooh bitch does he hate it

-because he HATES having those ‘weird fucking box thingies onmy ears’ cause its just proof that bakugou fucking katsuki has a weakness

-according to him, the only good thing about it is that when he doesnt wanna deal with bullshit or starts having a sensory overload he can just plop out his hearing aids and BOOM bullshit over or immediate calming silence so yes hearing aids!bakugou

-also he has PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) because have you SEEN the shit that this boy has been through

-lemme remind y’all that he’s only 15

-fucking 15

-and he got 1. kidnapped  2. stuck in an emotionally/physically abusive household 3. has a superiority complex due to no adult ever telling him no before or knocking him down a peg 4. basically got pushed aside by his idol and was ignored by him 5. told he could be a perfect villain when all he wanted to do was be a hero 6. forced into a war that should have been handled by now by pro heroes (next arc, between the league of villains and the hero society)

- people automatically think his favourite teacher was all might since he’s admired him so much but since all might basically ignored him the whole school year he just doesnt think he’s all that great anymore

-but when he’s asked which one of his teachers was his favourite he responds with “present mic and eraserhead” which leaves the asker in shock

-i cant continue or else this’ll be longer than it needs to and we need to get onto kirishima

-quick thing: panic attacks are a regular thing at night for bakugou and his quirk goes haywire ALL. THE. TIME.

-he also bonds with present mic since their quirks make them both go deaf/hoh and present mic teaches him jsl

-and aizawa is basically his dad along with yamada

-they basically adopted him already its just that mitsuki’s a bitch

-OKAY OKAY ILLS TOP I JUST LOVE BAKUGOU SO MUCH OKAY

-ONTO KIRISHIMA

-so kirishima has an INFERIORITY COMPLEX

-and anxiety

-and paranoia

-yes okay kirishima has an inferiority complex, paranoia, anxiety, and depression

-which is hard enough as it is

-but then when he sees bakugou kirishima’s self esteem just gets knocked down over and over and i think thats what draws him to bakugou

-because bakugou’s so strong willed and just generally strong

-and kirishima thinks he’s not good enough

-so he’s hanging out with bakugou even if it breaks his heart that he can never be that good

-because he thinks thats a punishment for him

-BUT THEN

-bakugou shouts “WE’RE EQUALS AREN’T WE SHITTY HAIR????”

-and kirishima just

-”holy shit we’re equals”

-and his self esteem gets boosted even for a little while

-they go to therapy sessions together because they’re each others moral support AHEM I MEAN WHAT

-kirishima literally LOVES crimson riot but can never imagine to live up to the title but bakugou always smacks him on the head when he talks about it

-kiribaku doesnt get together until mid second year

-kirishima wakes up to crackling through the walls

-bet y’all can guess who it is

-hell yeah its bakugou waking up

-he’s having a particularly bad nightmare so kirishima just

-starts playing “nothing” by bruno major and makes sure its quiet enough so that shouji cant hear but loud enough that bakugou can

-and slowly the crackles dissipate

-and he leaves the song on to play the rest of the night and they both sleep easy that night

-soon enough kiri assembles a WHOLE FUCKING PLAYLIST of soft and calming songs AHEM LOVE SONGS AHEM for when he hears bakugou wake up or when he needs it after the fight with rappa

-so when bakugou just one night slams kiris door open on a particularly horrible nightmare on kiris part

-he was silently crying so bakugou wouldnt hear but ofc he did

-he climbs into bed with kirishima, no hesitation, and starts playing the damn playlist

-”youre fucking unbreakable, kirishima.”

-and kirishima just MELTS

-and starts sobbing into bakugous arms

-and they end up cuddling and shit

-and in the morning its the weekend so they talk over their feelings and shit

-and shit

-fuck

-but nvm

-they get together but nothings really different lmao-

-its just different in the sense that bakugou can now kiss kirishimaand vice versa

-its not perfect

-but

-it just feels

-perfect in their own little ways

-like the way bakugou lands little kisses on kirishimas nape everytime they cuddle

-or when kirishima kisses bakugous hearing aids and it makes bakugou feel so much better about them

-also when they stay up playing animal crossing

-kissing just for the sake of kissing

-lazy morning kisses where both of them are too lazy to get up but they wanna make out but theyre too fucking tired

-or when they say i love you for the first time

-so

-they think its perfect for them

-and really

-thats all that matters

-and they live mostly happily ever after

-well until i decide to write post canon headcanons which is way too angsty for me to be thinking abt rn

-good luck future me

-ALSO ONCE THEYRE OVERAGE

-top kirishima no doubt

-OKAY BYE